Creamy Collon

I can't sleep, that's normal since I've been living on the Eastern Hemisphere for a while. So since I can't sleep I've decided to update my collection of infamous Collon blog.

Yep, that's pretty much it.

The New Poll is down on the lower right. What would be your best day EVAH? I'd like to know.

30 Hours Later and Airport Rest Rooms

Folks I have arrived! I am in fact back on the shores of the United States. I should be like super uber over the moon, when really I'm just tired. I also seem to be in the midst of the hugest craving EVAH for rice. I must be homesick, get it, laugh out loud, home sick. Technically, being back in the country of my birth, I AM home.

I do in fact miss Japan already, not because it's the best rice in the world, but because I have grown some attachments that I didn't realize I had. My tattoo artist for one, the two who work out of La Vida Loca are truly some great people. My home of course, I'd spent months between times at sea making it just right only to pack it up and come back stateside. Of course the beach I lived up the hill from. It was the greatest place to look at on a windy day. Wind Surfers everywhere I loved it.

The dream is over and what better way to close out a chapter in one's life than to have a very very VERY awkward moment in a public restroom.

I just collected a multitude of luggage from international claims. Not a bathroom in sight for what seemed miles of supper slippery flooring.  When I finally get to the shuttle pick up station. I begged some other Sailor to watch my bag while I go relieve myself. I'm happy so I thought. No I start thinking about how long I've been in these clothes. Comfy as they are, they smell like airline food, jet fuel (I had a wing seat), baby poo, and three day old cookies. I have to get out of these clothes.

Back in to the ladies room again. While I'm changing into another set of sweats, a woman starts talking. At first I thought maybe she was talking to someone but then no one responded. She was clearly distressed by her tone. It became clear that she was on a phone. Why she was using it in the stall, is not my business.

Whom ever she was talking to was not very helpful and upset her even more. Apparently she had no intention of flying to Seattle. She did not understand how she got there and was also suffering from some leg injury. The only thing that came to mind was this woman was ill (in the head) and she has to have an emergency contact.

The lady went on to request to the person on the line to call the police to have them come get her. Well good on you lady for at least knowing your in a bad way. The rep on the phone (the turd) was not trying to do that. She explained to person unknown (PU from now on) that she'd been there since last night. She told PU that her leg was hurting which is why she never left.

What an odd place to plant yourself!!! But hey if you're hurt, you're hurt.  I'm obviously just being nosey, but I want to help. So when I come out my stall stinky clothes under my arm, I'm greeted my a TSA agent who just happened to be washing her hands. Homegirl had her music up so loud on her I-pod that she couldn't have heard what's going on in the last stall. ** You know it's always the last stall. Why the last stall why not the middle one or the first?-  Out goes the TSA agent completely oblivious. The Chunky Cow, I bet she couldn't chase a Twinkie if it ran right into her. (I wonder if this is what guys mean when women talk about other women?).

Poor lady is STILL arguing about police assistance with PU. Finally I just went looking for a different TSA agent. I told them that was a woman on her phone in the bathroom begging someone to call the police. Who do they get to go int here to check it out? You guessed it, Chunky Cow. Thighs rubbing in cheap polyester pants and still blasting I-pod. (That wasn't nice was it? My thighs rub too. Shame face!)


By the time my shuttle came they still had  not  moved this poor woman!

This is what I'm coming home too!!!
I don't have enough FAIL stickers on me to pin point how this situation was handled poorly.

This makes me want to call my parents. I think I'll buy them each one of those Identifier bracelets. My parent aren't feeble. God willing they never become feeble. Still, I'd have to live with some serious guilt moving to San Diego when they live back in Boston and they needed me.

Of course that's my co-dependent self speaking. I KNOW it's my duty to take care of my parents when they no longer can take care of themselves. The problem was that I've been attempting to do that my whole life.

So if they said "T I'm getting too sick I think I have to go into a home." What would I do? Am I a bad daughter for not offering to help? Or will I use it as an excuse to look like a saint while simultaneously never achieving my full potential???

8 Ways to get a date/Shaky hands

My hand shakes, call me paranoid but they never used to shake. I wonder what that means in the long run, other than ruling out a career as a world renown plastic surgeon. So I attribute this to one of my many problems. A) It could be a symptom of my ever present anxiety. B) I now have the shakes due to my recent commitment to sobriety. Or C) I have Parkinson's or some other shaking people's disease.

Maybe it's just the Meds…

And because everything on the Internet must be true, sure enough it's the meds. Good Job Watson, go pat yourself on the back.

Knowing this is not something that will bring the guys running to my door step, I tried to think of things that would.  Because I've been told everyday for the last 5 1/2 years have a plan, I made a list!!!!

Lists are cool!!! All the kids are doing it.

1. Smile- people who have actually spent some time with Ms. Townes will tell you that Ms.Townes does not smile. I have nothing against smiling, mind you, I just don't. This would make me more approachable.

2. Fake like I'm not from Boston, Ma. - I'm a Bostonian, no amount of world travel will change that. The only place natural Bostonian instincts are acceptable is Boston. We are a rude bunch, worse than New Yorkers. A little Southern Hospitality is needed here.

3. Never go outside with out some kind of make up on- (this was suggested by someone who actually wears make-up) My mother, you gotta love her does not get out her car unless she has on lipstick.  She has bad luck if she forgets. Call me crazy but I have seen this happen. For me I'll make this exception. Chapstick is make-up…COME ON!!!!!

4. Make eye contact- Don't stare, but don't pretend that you don't see anyone either. 

5. Be enthusiastic- You have a passion, express it. Mine is writing, old movies from the 80's, tattoos, beaches, playing volleyball, music… Get the point? 

6. Read the news- I know I am guilty for being completely oblivious  of what's going on in the world. Planet Tia may be a cool place to hang but the real world is where it's at.

7. Be open minded-  So what , homegirl, is wearing sandals from 2009 in the middle of winter. That's her thing. Leave her be. Try not to make a face, some one might confuse it for not smiling.

*****8. Stop pre-judging- Waving the guilty flag again. It's very easy to base an opinion just be the first impression. We are all taught to make a good first impression. The problem with wanting to make a first impression is that the first impression isn't always the best impression.

Some would say that my list is all cosmetic or superficial. And they would be right. But the great thing about this list is that it doesn't take much time to do, AND it leads to the more important things like actually getting a date.

Six Degrees of Bacon vs Gerbil

Today is my 32nd birthday, and what am I doing? Nothing. For the third day in row I have cozied up in Starbucks and typed to my hearts content. I should be working on my book. After such a great day of writing way into Chapter three of The New God, I should be itching to jump right in and finish chapter four, but I'm not. So, like usual whenever decide I need to blog, and I have nothing to talk about I turned to the Internet. I was going for my favorite stand by, dating. Who couldn't talk about dating? I can go for miles about dating. Once again I'm not the expert, It's like this for me: Those who can,do, those who can't, teach, and those who can't teach, critique. Take your pick I've been every one of them.

But that is not what I found on the Internet today. First I went to striaghtdope and saw what Cecil was up to, he delivers as usual. Something about kidney stealing, got me thinking about Urban Legends. Cecil, by the way, says kidney stealing does happen, just not in the States. So off on a trip through the murky underground of Urban Legends goeth I.

I landed on Snopes, home of Urban Legends and other absurdities. You'd think I'd just type in Urban-legends.com and get a whole list, wrong. The site exists, it's a film company. And there goes my tangent, back to Snopes. Overload alert, Ms.Townes only wanted one, now she's got, well, more than one, lets just say that. I need to pick one, which I can't, so I trolled through a few until one seemed Dog Log worthy.

First what makes an Urban Legend, legend? It's  modern day myth having little or nothing to do with the truth that has it origins in urban cities. The kicker is that the legend doesn't actually have to come from a city, says Wikipedia, it refers more the time in which the myth is originated. A long time favorite actually began circa 1930 (considered modern) is the myth about pet alligators living in city sewers, they don't. You get the point, right? Urban meaning having all the basics of modern technology, electricity, automobiles, air travel…. 

What I did NOT find on Snopes was the Six Degrees of Kevin Bacon. Pooh Sad Face! I just realized that I say that a lot. Sad Face! Which surprises me because that was the greatest urban legend EVAH when I was like 15. For that I had to go to Wikipedia. Snopes did have some other fun ones but the site over all is just not funny. I had to leave Snopes to a more serious crowd.

Because Cecil Adams is my idol, him, The Most Interesting Man In The World, and Egg Shen from Big Trouble in Little China. Go Six Demon Bag!!! Anyway, back on Straightdope I search urban legends. The top ten list alone gives me the chuckles. Sadly though number four on the list is true, gross but true. It IS VERY possible that your guts can get sucked out your body through a toilet. What's even worse was the poor girl that had this happen to her in a wading pool back in 2007. She later passed away the following year due to medical complications of transplants.

Not all Urban legends are true or gruesome. The one about the little boy who appears by a window in Three Men and a Baby, that one was ridiculously spread, by yours truly at many YMCA Dances, sixth grade I think. For this the crew at straight dope actually reference the aforementioned and dry ask un-buttered toast, Snopes. They save face by still making it funny, but Snopes provides the scene(s) in which you see the little boy.  Hint, it's not a boy. Pooh Sad Face!

Not  to bash Snopes for being well written and unflinchingly honest, it's just boring. Being one of the mindless millions that's attracted to all things shiny, I went back to my search engine of choice and typed in Urban Legends about celebrities. Nothing like some smut to brighten one's day. I should have stuck with dating.

About.com has 8 ULs about Princess Diana, which of none I will discuss. But there were hundreds more including the one about Richard Gere and the gerbil. I find that one HILARIOUS. Who would think of that, that's cruelty to animals. There were plenty more to choose from on About.com, and I could take the time to look through them all. Today however, is my birthday an I want to enjoy at least some of it. So I searched one more sight, hoping beyond hope that this one will close out this article, and Jackpot: it does not.

Starpulse, gives the run down on almost every celebrity legend I grew up believing to be true. It's not that I believed these things, its just I didn't care enough to see if they weren't. Paul Pfife from the Wonder Years is not Marilyn Manson (SHOCKER!). Michael Jackson never slept in a hyperbaric chamber (ARE YOU SURE?), and of course it mentioned Richard Gere again.

Boy Richard Gere really pissed off some poor woman. That's pretty vicious, the UL says that not only is he gay, he also puts small creatures in openings marked exit only. Richard Gere you need to go find that woman and apologize. 

That's it from this birthday girl. Next time I'm tapped for a topic I'll ask on Facebook first.  

Chapter Three is done

Hey I just finished chapter three of The New God. I'm posting it the rough unedited copy to the website and to google docs. If you want to check it out, email me and I'll send you the link so you can comment. I love my brain. If you want a chance to just read it click here

I excited because I left off the chapter like something was about to go down. Marvelous. Then I immediately went to work on Chapter four, and it promises to be steamy. I'm starting to wonder though, if my story is turning out to be like one of those stories that have fifty billion plots to it. I mean I'd like the story to be simple, it doesn't seem to want to go that way.

Last night I gave a little introduction to some of the races that inhabit the universe. Today I wove the story of the Jeng-nii, into the book. So far we have two interplanetary races, a major demon, a goddess, some serious obsession, a whole lot of sexual tension, one really good assassin and we haven't even left camp yet! I've got my work cut out for me.

It's keeping me sober though. Sober and sedintary. I'm not thinking about heading to a gym while the book is in the works, I can incorporate a walk or something into my day, right? Maybe when I settle in San Diego I will have a better idea of what to expect. I'm getting old you know. I need to pay attention to my health more.

Speaking of getting old. Tomorrow I turn 32. I am amazed that I made it this far. I remember New Years 1992 I sat in church with my mother and brother awaiting the new year. When the clock struck midnight I was like Yes!!! I'm going to make it to 12. I was so happy. Then two days later when I turned twelve. I can't remember a single thing about that day. It's a little sad to not have any recollection of a birthday. Sad Face!

Anyway tomorrow I should get a few emails and maybe a phone call from Mom wishing me a Happy Birthday. I think I'll take myself out for a steak in the evening. I really don't have anything planned. Just  going through my day waiting for my flight out of Japan. I know last year I poured myself a glass of wine and took a bath. The weekend however was when all the really fun stuff happened. Lets just say the hang over was epic. I doubt anything like that will happen this year, I know better.