Start Rant

I know I'm not a great writer. I know that I need more training and that my book is far from finished and that I'm dragging my ass. I do the Flash Fiction on Madison Woods' blog every week in hopes that: ONE I'll create a story that will help me pull my own novel together and TWO get people to take me seriously as a writer starting out.


That said I checked my email just now. I saw a subject line saying "We get new stories every week"  I was pretty psyched. I thought it was another outlet for my other stories that sort of jumble together. Once I  have something that resembles a short story I want to submit it somewhere. I'm compelled to submit a story anywhere and everywhere.

I clicked on it already planning which story I'll tweak before I hit submit, and it's an advertisement  for a sexual servant.


Don't get me wrong I can and have written erotica. I just was not expecting that kind of let down. It's like something I read in a blog a few weeks ago. Sadly I forgot who wrote it. It read something like I love getting email or any mail that starts with I love your book. Then it turns out to be an author begging another author to not only read but BUY their book.


It is nowhere near the equivalent of that kind of let down, but I feel used. I feel tricked into thinking that I might actually gain something from this correspondence. I lost in fact, that was 8 minutes of my life I will never get back.

Screw you  sexual servant. Literally go screw yourself on something pointy. I'm busy faking like I'm a real writer and your squelchy noises are breaking my concentration.


End Rant.

It's Thursday/Saturday, where's the Bean Counter?

This week's edition is brought to you by Silly Men All Over The World.


Last week tally: I think it was 61 I should go and look that up.


~Let's go back in time to 2008 before I went on Deployment on the San Antonio.~


Issued a no contact order via text message to my ex boyfriend because he cheated on me. +50 just for being an ass about it.


Got a really angry F*ck You from the ex for being an ass about it. +50 WINNING (peep the youtube video)


Told said ex to have new girl lick his salty wounds and got another F*ck You. +100 EXCELLENT


LAST FRIDAY


Met PNNU and really dig the little man. +10


Spent the next two nights getting to know each other in various states of inebriation, AKA Queen Bee gets plastered. -45


The PRESENT in no particular order...
PNNU leaves town for what ever reason and now Ms. Townes is really bored. -31

Chewy yakked on the kitchen Floor. -10


Chewy didn't yak on the carpet. +15 woohoo easy clean-up


Chewy left RFKAO an AM present and it was smelly -10


RFKAO has a photo shoot.+ 25




Tell another guy that I've been talking to, that he's not exactly what I'm looking for in a man. I swear he seems like someone I could trample all over. I was very very nice about it. He replies with bondage and spankings. Gagzooks!!! Gracious!!! Great Googly Moogly!!! Wow. Not winning -150






Finally mailed off some salsa to a friend in Japan +15


Saw some unbelievably attractive male go-go dancers at a dance club. THEY GET A MOUTH WATERING +50

The aforementioned  ex boyfriend decided violate my no contact order just to friend me on Facebook. What a loser, just for darkening my virtual doorstep he gets a -25


I got to use my elephant joke on the paternal parental unit this morning. Officer Dad didn't get it. +/-0


This week's tally:
105 people the week's are looking brighter.

Flash Fiction: Clearing The Wire

This week I couldn't resist. I'd spent several days developing this short and sadly it's not 100 words. Anyway enjoy. Check back in for yesterday's bean counter. I know I"m all off my schedule.

CLEARING THE WIRE

Grand Pa unraveled the barbed wire slowly, he planned to add another wire for training.

"You're going to vault this fence boy if it's the last thing I do,"  he paused in laying the wire on the ground. "No cub of mine is gonna grow up and not be able to run."

After my parents died at the hands of hunters, Grand Pa, wanted to make sure I could run. His kind of running was different from what you'd think. He was teaching me to evade, hide, use my surroundings, and kill if I have to.

"Grandpa I'm only 10, and I'm a girl."

"Shut up BOY, you're the last of my blood line. You're going to learn how to take care of yourself."

Later

My muscles in my hind legs were beginning to burn. Grand Pa's cougar was always fast. Today he had the devil behind him. Of course he's behind me.

The fence was nearing. I'd tried to lead him away from it, but this was his land and he knew how to guide me back. I remembered how it looked when he was done adding the new wire. The barbs looked sharp and scary. I'd have to add more speed to clear it.

Grandpa roared from somewhere to my left. I ran up the hill frantically hoping he didn't catch me. I could smell the metal from here. I'm slowing, I need more speed.

At the crest of the hill I could hear him pounding behind me. I headed for the fence, I needed to jump soon and the time was coming. Grandpa nipped my tail and I kicked up speed from somewhere. I leaped.

I wasn't going to make it. I choose quickly what I was going to sacrifice to make this jump quickly. My paws exploded in sharp spiky fires of pain. I jumped again and landed clumsy. My concentration was off and I morphed back to my human girl form as Grand Pa sailed over the barbed wire.

"Nice try boy," he said as he changed. "lets go clean you up."

CHECK OUT MORE FLASH FICTION ON Madison Wood's Blog or on Twitter #FridayFictioneers

Happy Hump Day

Well It's hump day again and this week Ms. Townes has a cold. Not good for business so you can guess I didn't work this morning. I did talk to Nurse Mom today, her only compliant is her hair is too long. You have to hear her: "Oh I hate my hair. It is soo long I can't curl it anymore. It gets in everything and I just can't stand it."

Really Mom? Ma do me a favor and come at me with a real complaint. Really I'm all smiles for her. 

What is so great about my mom is that she's like the best girlfriend I could ever have. Of course when she goes all mommy on me it's a whole different ball of wax, but for the most part she is great. I kind of pity anyone who doesn't have a friendly relationship with their mothers. I wonder why that is, let's ask Google.

The first article Google offers is from Reader's Digest's Stealth Health. (Click here for the whole article.) The title was 14 Ways to Have Healthy Relationships with Your Parents. Of course I'm looking particularly for relationships with your mom but hey it piqued my interest. I like number three: 3. Keep your sense of humor. When you’re dealing 

with your parents, laughter can be a lifesaver — both to help 

you handle the stress of dealing with sometimes crotchety 

individuals and to help you bond together. Tell a few jokes 

you know they’ll enjoy, share some comics from the paper or 

e-mail with them, watch the Letterman show together. If you 

can laugh together, you’re doing okay.

So I immediately want to call every parental unit I have,  just 

to tell this a really cheesy joke. I called my Dad, no answer, 

Step Mom, no answer, Uncle, no answer. Darn it was a really

good joke. I can't call Mom again because I already gave her 

an hour of my time. I should have done it then. Further down in the article it says something along the lines of not spending 

every waking minute talking to them. Clearly as much as I 

want to test this joke on someone, I know calling here would 

probably be... needy, stalker, I don't know- freakishly 

dependent???

I'm drinking some lemonade right now that is so good I have to tell you about it. 

Hurbert's Mango Lemonade. Like 

pouring glory down your gullet. 

And no I didn't get paid to say that. I 

wish, but really I was thirsty and this was 

in the fridge.

Anyway since Oprah pretty much rules 

the world I had to find out what she has to say about having a 

good relationship with your mother. OMoms -(eghads Oprah 

has everything) click here- has this article on the super 

longish side discussing boundaries, blah blah blah. I didn't 

read the whole thing just because its done as an interview 

between three people and my attention span is like that of a 

gold fish today.

The Article does hit on the pros and cons of technology in a 

mother daughter relationship. It also talks about how the 

relationship can change according to economy. Both of which 

I've had personal experiences. I have moved back in with my 

mother twice I think. And recently she did help out with 

getting me and RFKAO settled into the  new place.  Thank 

God I can pay her back. I refuse to let money change or 

relationship. By her riding rescue on my latest mishap only 

reinforces the role of parent for her when I'm more than 

grown. By my re-paying her I bring back the balance. Now 

getting her to accept the money will be a chore but totally 

worth it.

Technology, I've mentioned earlier is a little harder to 

finagle.  I love Facebook. I love the concept of the Social Network. Mom on the other hand is a little old school. Social 

Networking allows you 24 hour access to everyone all the 

time. She doesn't believe in that. I know where she is coming 

from, there really is no need to know that 

PowderPuffPinkDangerRanger45 can't sleep. But as 

remarked in OMoms: It can be a very good experience. It's another opportunity to mentor and coach your daughter. But again, it only works if you welcome them back as adults and not as children. So you're not telling them what to do, but [rather] you're providing them with opportunities to do more for themselves and manage their lives. 

Maintain healthy boundaries, and [make sure] that your daughter feels that, incrementally, she's able to become more and more self-sufficient.

Back to them boundaries again. I guess from these two articles I get two things. Mom and I are still growing and changing with the times. As long as we continue to change and never sty stagnant the relationship will thrive. 

Also I need to see her not as an equal because we never were, but something close to it. And so must she. The line is there and as long as we don't cross it we'll be fine.

Of course now that I have the authority from Reader's Digest and (spasm help me) Oprah, I wonder if my relationship with Nurse Mom is a healthy one.  Of course I see all kinds of flaws with it. Holy shite and muffins it's not perfect. I'm thinking trips back to Boston to have family  therapy sessions.

Grab the Atarax I feel an anxiety attack coming on. Does Nurse Mom think our relationship is flawed? Should I call her and tell her Oprah thinks the relationship needs improvement? But if I call her then Reader's Digest will get me for seeking approval from her. What do I do?

I finish this entry and get RFKAO to walk my dog with me, so we can smoke and pick up Chewy's poop at the same time.

Oh btw here's the joke:

Me: I know how to put an elephant in a Safeway bag?

You: How do you do that?

Me: Well, you take the F out of Safe, and the F out of Way.

You: There's no F in Way...

Me: (>_<)

Courtesy of Mr. Sulu aka George Takei.




Added Later. The LA Times just happened to post this article. Click here... I can call her!!!

What an eventful weekend.

First off: I have been drinking. I started back a while ago and I need to be honest with you. The hardest thing for me is to be honest with  others because then it's true.


As long as no one knows what I'm doing I can still hold my head up.


Well I very much want to keep holding my head up. I have a lot to be proud of and I don't think I feel weak??? My shoulders may not be squared but my head is still up. The next few steps  might not be sure for me, but I will take them with my eyes open and for once in my life I actually have someone in my life that cares for me.


Yes I'm referring to RFKAO and yes I know he's gay, but seriously he happened to walk into my life at a very strange time and has managed to make my day brighter with every silly comment and snide remark. If it weren't for my trip to rehab I might have never met the guy.


Enough with the downers, I really needed to get that off my chest.


This weekend started with a date!  Yes I said the D word. After the fiasco with the creeper on Craig's List I figured this one might just be as bad. Stay tuned this week for that post for more on the Craig's List Creeper.


I'm hard pressed to give this guy a nick name because he already has one and if I use it, I'd feel bad. How about PersonNickNameUnknown? PNNU for short. I like him, he's sweet, very considerate, kind of an asshole, very funny, and unbelievably respectful.

RFKAO was not happy that he didn't get a chance to meet him before I left out my door. He took me to a hookah bar, and drank tea. How's that for a first date? Not bad actually, the cashier was a space cadet but other than that, it was nice. Somehow PNNU managed to get invited back to the place to watch Game of Thrones. But not before making a pit stop to the grocery store to grab ice cream.  We even got some for RFKAO and all three of us sat on my reclaimed couch and watched it.


Chewy seemed to like him, so now Chewy has made a new friend. I wish I didn't  have such a friendly dog. He likes everyone that sticks their hand out to him, the little slut.  RFKAO stepped out to smoke when the show was over, and somehow we ended up watching a movie after that. It was three AM by the time he left.


Saturday brings a night of epic drunkenness. There was a lot of hugging involved and inviting strange people to dinner on Sunday. Because this is supposed to be a serious blog (wink wink) I'm not going to get into what went down. I will say that I scared the crap out of my roomy to the point that he actually  though about getting some help. Not my proudest moment and even though it was very funny I really don't want to happen often, if ever again.


Luckily for the roomy PNNU called and kindly offered to babysit  a very drunk Ms. Townes. I woke up in the arms of a very nice man and my dog. Unharmed.  Someone was watching over me and I'm really thankful for that.


Dinner on Sunday was a chore because, one, I was recovering and the roomy wanted to make a dessert which meant I had to share my oven. One of his friend from the USMC came, as well as PNNU, and new friend we met the night before. Dinner would be followed by this dessert, I had to share my oven for. Totally worth it and it is so, going into the cook book. It was some kind of Apple Cobbler Crumble topped with a scoop of Vanilla Ice Cream. It was amazing. After the food was put away, PNNU  had to leave but pretty much said he'd come to dinner no matter who was cooking, then asked why my roomy was not married yet. I can't answer that.


We then went out to do some Karaoke, roomy and new friend ruined Dream On by Aerosmith, and a few other songs. I did Just A Girl by No Doubt and There You Go by Pink when everyone thought Pink was "Black."

I refused to be intoxicated last night. I did have some drinks but I was not in it to get drunk. I wanted to sing and that's what I did. And by the standards the folks at the bar had, I'm not half bad. Yeah my ego got stroked. That's other reason to stay sober last night. I sound awful drunk. 

The weekend was hard on both my and RFKAO's bodies, and we have volleyball tonight. I am and I am not looking forward to it.  Volleyball does not look like it is such a demanding sport but OH MY GOD, it is. It's sober fun with people who just want to play and I think that's something we both need in our lives. 

I've got the roomy blogging now. He named me Queen Bee in his (because I'm awesome), hopefully the next time he post and update I can link it here so, you can get the other side of this super roomy duo.

I'm off to put some work into chapter seven. In this chapter everyone is really tense. I like it.

Friday Flash Fiction: Goo

Okay, I know I was supposed to post this lat night, but I was on the phone with a very nice man. Before you wonder if this phone call was work related, it was not and I hope we click. 


So I apologize for the delay. I hope you enjoy. Don't forget to Check out Madison Woods or find other writers of flash fiction on Twitter #FridayFitctioneers


Goo
Friday Flash Fiction

If I weren't standing underneath it I would have never noticed it. I would have been completely oblivious to it's life form. I would have quietly passed below it and beyond it if my flash light didn't catch it's light.

But I did see it, and I regret taking it away from the cave I found it living so quietly. It thrived in the damp moisture of the cave. It's symbiotic life would have continued leeching off the waste created by other organisms in it's crevice. 

I had a difficult time mimicking the Goo's natural habitat in a clean laboratory environment, yet I continued. But what ever factor I left out must have changed it's composition.

Because without that factor it flourished and spread. Now I feel it, growing and changing inside me. 

What have I done?

This Week's Bean Counter: Diggin' the Weekly Dig

Last issue of the The Bean Counter's Score:  36




Moved into awesome apartment: +50


No one showed up to the Moving Party: -25 (Sad Face but there was nachos)


There was nacho & dip at the moving party and red juice with fruit: +15


RFKAO's car suffers a case of bad alternator disorder: -20


The car goes all pouty AFTER the move: +10


Chapter Six finally got posted somewhere on the website: +55


Invented a new gun: +10 (not really diggin' the whole "gun" thing)


RFKAO makes potato wedges that wipe out all past potato wedges made by disgruntled cooks on Naval vessels around the world: +30


Chewy snores...loud: -10


Friend Nicole sends me a YouTube video called the Masochism Tango See Here: WINNING +100


Read my renter's Insurance policy, and if Chewy dies in some freakishly odd accident his burial is not covered, but if he bites someone (highly unlikely) then the bitee is covered. Go figure!: -50


Chapter Seven is not at all what I planned in my head. SURPRISE!!!! -5

Looked for the next episode of Being Human to watch on Itunes, it was not there. After a little research me and RFKAO found out that last week's pathetically bad episode was the season finale: -150


This dysfunctional family unit had to get addicted to another show AND quickly. Found Game of Thrones, and LOVED IT: +45




Still haven't met anyone worth while to brag about, so Team Single still wins out again: -30






This week Tally: 61


Hey it's getting better!!!


Tune in late tomorrow for the Flash Fiction for this week. I managed to come up with something different. Not different as in happy or chilling or something I dug up from the recesses of my over-imaginative mind. This is something, for lack of a better word GOOEY.

This is my rifle, and this is my gun...

So in Chapter seven I decided to put Malik on the back of the truck and give him a heinously awesome gun. So I asked RFKAO. Initially I was not impressed. I wanted a 240 which I've had to pleasure of watching in action, when I was on ship. Maybe it's my dad and countless episodes of Home Improvement that rose up and grunted, but I wanted bigger.


Meet the futurized MG 42 Kxxi This gun has not been invented yet. And by golly when it is, I hope I am as humanly far away from it as possible.


Take an old WW2 gun and advance it 1000 years. Lets make the bullets out of glass. Lets make the glass shatter on impact and have nano machines replicate once they enter any kind of living creature. Let's make the nano machines out of a like, a super complex protein and then once its spread uncontrollably, give the victim insta-tumors that block vital passageways like- to the heart and lungs. Maybe even target the nano machines to start in the stomach and make them eat away at the lower intestinal walls.


The futurized MG 42 K xxi is a bad ass gun. I like it. One person could break this gun down into five large pieces in a minute and thirty small undetectable components in three minutes. I want to mount to be light weight but sturdy. Then because I'm a girl lets make it pink.


Seriously though, I'm not a gun person. I never was, I'm from a state that has some of the strictest gun laws in the country. That's not to say we don't have a lot of violence. But I know it's harder to legally own a firearm in Massachusetts than some other states. I'm sure true enthusiast have found ways around that.


The point of this piece was to discuss weaponry, which is not my forte. I burst into RFKAO's room asking him about guns. Actually he sort of sauntered into my room asking about boxes, but bursting into his room sounded way cooler. So anyway I "bursted into his room" requesting information about a really big gun that can be mounted on a truck.

Pic of the week

He threw out a bunch of letters and number which I promptly googled. Funny, the things I typed in came up a lot of pictures of naked women covered in oil. Then I came across this picture:




Made my freaking day, it did. Made my freakin' week.


I even wanted to get the big cannon the Old Spice guy used in the Expendables. Miss Omaya Kaboom herself. But I side tracked somehow and gave up.


I do like how my gun came out. I'm sure after discussing this with a bunch of engineers and some trigger happy rifle people I should be able to have better schematics on it.


Why am I researching a bigger better gun? Well it's supposed to be the future. It's supposed to be dystopia. There should be more dangerous ways to kill a person. That's what humanity seems to be good at. So why not advance the weaponry? Am I strangely uncomfortable with this topic? YES a resounding yes. But I'm also a little excited.


Let's face it I'm always excited about something.

All in, now to redecorate.

Well after two days of back breaking lifting we are officially in our spacious two bedroom apartment. What kills me is that we can see the naval base from our front door and hear ships' whistles when ever they get underway. At least we can't hear Taps. I think we'd both stand at attention or something. Our perspective branches of the Military, still very fresh in our minds.


We're not angry that we didn't notices it before now, but it does give me a little start. Just a little start, not a big one.


Chewy loves the place.  He has plenty of space to roam, of course he's still under our feet, but that's not so bad as it used to be. I'm a little worried for the carpet, but I have closets again!!! And Doors!!! And a super large kitchen!!! And a thicker walls!!!!


I'm completely happy that before the mass hysteria of moving I managed to fit in the rest of chapter six. I'm not feeling positive about how I ended it but I think I'm satisfied with it. It was a chapter devoted to the secondary characters. I guess in my mind I hadn't built them up enough, which is why I struggled with it for almost three months. Chapter seven will be better. I already have it planned and I'm looking forward to seeing it on my computer. I really am, and I hope you are too.


RFKAO is in nesting mode. I'm already looking forward to school and finishing the writing phase of the book, and the next project. He on the other hand, is all about making this apartment a home. Cool with me, I'm just happy he's off my couch. I will admit that I am kind of curious as to how he will mix and match our things. It's always nice to see what someone else can do with your things.


I think after we are done unpacking I might post the pictures. I'm still on the fence about that. I'll know more after the place is done.


I can't wait to start writing again.

More about the Move

Occupy is about to loose his name. Well that's because the couch will no longer be occupied. We're moving as I have mentioned in a previous entry and I'm really excited. I even thought about writing a book about it. I said as much the the Roomy Formerly Known As Occupy (RFKAO) and he likes the idea.

I pitched this idea to him one night while we were smoking in the back yard. Some time between us talking about my latest and greatest odd ball caller and making jokes about Chewy. The book I said "Would be semi-autobiographical full of useless acts of assholiness and a bunch of recipes thrown in." Because seriously we make some really awesome food. Between the two us we could really make some yummy num numms that will make your mouth water.  RFKAO liked the idea, but then wondered what we'd call it. That's the easy part, I suggested the title I thought of while I was in the shower. Joey and Tia make a cook book: The semi-autobiographic story our lives after the Military and some really good food.

Alfredo with Bacon

He likes it. I like it. I think it would be a great project for 2013. Once The New God gets past the editing phase I know I can devote  most of my time to it. I already know what's going into this book recipe wise. His Chicken Quesadilla, the Mouthgasmic Meatloaf, his Slow Cooked Chicken Stew, my Pasta Alfredo with Bacon, greasy Burgers with Carrots, His To Die For Granola, His so healthy I Could Cry Fruit Smoothies, and what ever else we could come up with between now and then.

With the move to the new place this weekend we get a much bigger kitchen. The way we've been cooking we'll need the counter space. When we saw the place we're leasing we immediately moved into the kitchen to check out the counter space. It's not the biggest kitchen but its way bigger then this one. In this kitchen, me, Chewy and RFKAO can't all be in it together. We've tried, it doesn't work out. Someone will get hurt or burnt or stepped on. It's just not possible.

Anyhow  I really hope to be moving to stay. The stress of being in this place with all the screaming kids and their junkie parents is really killing me. Also I miss my couch, and my land lord for this place is such a troll. She's going into the book, definitely.

In other news: 

My cousin had a baby boy, Bruce. Welcome to the family little one. Many blessings be upon you. 

My Nephew

My nephew DaeDae (Not his real name) learned to roller skate. Lucky him because Ms. Townes can't skate at all.  

San Diego Humane Society is having another special: All adoptions are $15 this includes current shots, adoption exam licenses, and a free one hour training session. Check them out on their website. 

My father threw another Easter gathering this year complete with five billion Easter eggs for the hunt. 

Chapter six  of the New God is done, look for it tomorrow in the morning.  

Oh yeah I love my mother, she is the best.

I think that covers all things important to me right now. When I mean right now, I mean  like this moment, right now.  To you all who have been checking the blog for the past two weeks only to see that it has lain idle, I thank you for your patience. 

Friday Flash Fiction: Rural Route 27

Flash Fiction returns this week. Only because I need to get back into a routine. The picture prompt that came out on Wednesday over on Madison Woods' page is where you can get links to other Flash Fictioneers short stories. Also you can participate if you like, just make sure you link your story to her blog.  Follow us on Twitter tomorrow if you like: #Friday Fictioneers Enjoy.

Deena walked the tunnel twice a day ever since she was allowed to walk alone. It crossed under Rural Route 27. It was the only way to town from her home. Her safe quiet, never changing home, that housed generations of her family for 200 years.

The tunnel wasn't that old, but the path leading to and from were, another never changing thing that made up Deena's life. It was periodically reinforced but nothing drastic. 

Today the tunnel was no different than it was before. The person who passed under Rural Route 27 had changed. Last night after Reggie Malloy tried to get in her pants again, she made a decision. This place could rot.

When she came out of the shadow of the tunnel, the light caught her ponytail. She squared her shoulders and took the first step into the rest of her life.

The Dog Log is moving.

Physically moving that is. The blog will be here, right where it belongs.


Chewy, Occupy and I are upgrading to a bigger better place and we can't wait. Occupy gets off my couch! He gets his own room, with a door, and we also get a bath tub. I can't say that either of us will miss this place.


Stay tunned over the next few days as I upload a few entries that never made it on here:
Dating on Craig's List
Mr. Paperwork vs. Ms. Procrastination: A Death match Face Off
Chewy's mow-hawk and Co-Pilot rage
The Kitty Pig, Oink Meow I work Out...
Friday Flash Fiction- The weekly game 100+/- or less picture prompt.

Also to look for in the future: Our special family is expanding. Occupy is getting a cat. Of course we're naming it after another Star Wars character, just to express our combined Nerdiness. Padme or Leia if we find a female he loves. And if we get a male, you guessed it, Obi-Wan or Anakin.