Scrutiny from the weirdest places

I can honestly say I do not like the person in this week's Flash Fiction. You know why? Because the bitch is a raging alcoholic. I can see the signs and even if it's a short story, I swear I see myself in it. I should be so lucky to have a man who would take care of me when I'm too drunk to care about myself.


I could just you know stop drinking again.


I could do the whole controlled drinking thing that is mentioned over and over in the AA book.  I wonder if I'm really doing that? Like the book says in one of the early chapters The seed is planted. This idea of controlled drinking.


You know what controlled drinking feels like to an alcoholic? Guilt, lots of it. This weird consciousness that lurks in the back of the alcoholic brain, making them wonder if they've had too much. One that hasn't hit their bottom will ponder this a lot. Since I haven't hit a bottom  with my drinking I wonder about it.


So there I was several times over the last two weeks feeling very much like the depressed angry person I was before I tried to off myself. I couldn't pin point the reason for it. Maybe it's my ever constant search for someone who isn't dependent on me to validate themselves. Maybe it's the fact that my room mate has been driving me to the point of wanting to leave everything behind. Maybe it's the fact that for the second month in a row I've haven't been paid on time thus facing a possible eviction.  Maybe it's the fact that my boss threatened to fire me for not talking to a client. I'm tired of stressing out.


The things that  seems constant in all this is the fact that there is two bottles of wine in the kitchen. Really big bottles. For a while I confidently looked at them and didn't want to suck them down cork and all. That's has not been the case these last two weeks. Yeah I think the cork is what's going to get it.

So when the photo prompt came out last week I wrote a story about addiction. I really did not mean to. The picture here, made me think of every time since I started back drinking that I had to JUST HAD TO have junk food before I went to sleep. I though I'd make a funny little story about a junk food run. Then after I posted it and began getting feed back I saw it for what it was. My character Tracey needed help.


I got great feed back from other writers on how well I wrote that shortie. I wanted to be proud I really did, but I couldn't because I saw me in her. I saw me in the other character as well. It bothered me. It bothered me a lot.


What bothers me more is that I've been ashamed to face this about myself and even if I don't hit bottom I'm heading there. Maybe I need to put the bottle down and  do some soul searching. I may not be hiding in the bottle, but I know that I'll never find the answers to my issues by dulling it with booze.


Am I stepping in the right direction? I have no idea. Is my writing telling me something? Yes, it's telling me to look at myself.

What an eventful weekend.

First off: I have been drinking. I started back a while ago and I need to be honest with you. The hardest thing for me is to be honest with  others because then it's true.


As long as no one knows what I'm doing I can still hold my head up.


Well I very much want to keep holding my head up. I have a lot to be proud of and I don't think I feel weak??? My shoulders may not be squared but my head is still up. The next few steps  might not be sure for me, but I will take them with my eyes open and for once in my life I actually have someone in my life that cares for me.


Yes I'm referring to RFKAO and yes I know he's gay, but seriously he happened to walk into my life at a very strange time and has managed to make my day brighter with every silly comment and snide remark. If it weren't for my trip to rehab I might have never met the guy.


Enough with the downers, I really needed to get that off my chest.


This weekend started with a date!  Yes I said the D word. After the fiasco with the creeper on Craig's List I figured this one might just be as bad. Stay tuned this week for that post for more on the Craig's List Creeper.


I'm hard pressed to give this guy a nick name because he already has one and if I use it, I'd feel bad. How about PersonNickNameUnknown? PNNU for short. I like him, he's sweet, very considerate, kind of an asshole, very funny, and unbelievably respectful.

RFKAO was not happy that he didn't get a chance to meet him before I left out my door. He took me to a hookah bar, and drank tea. How's that for a first date? Not bad actually, the cashier was a space cadet but other than that, it was nice. Somehow PNNU managed to get invited back to the place to watch Game of Thrones. But not before making a pit stop to the grocery store to grab ice cream.  We even got some for RFKAO and all three of us sat on my reclaimed couch and watched it.


Chewy seemed to like him, so now Chewy has made a new friend. I wish I didn't  have such a friendly dog. He likes everyone that sticks their hand out to him, the little slut.  RFKAO stepped out to smoke when the show was over, and somehow we ended up watching a movie after that. It was three AM by the time he left.


Saturday brings a night of epic drunkenness. There was a lot of hugging involved and inviting strange people to dinner on Sunday. Because this is supposed to be a serious blog (wink wink) I'm not going to get into what went down. I will say that I scared the crap out of my roomy to the point that he actually  though about getting some help. Not my proudest moment and even though it was very funny I really don't want to happen often, if ever again.


Luckily for the roomy PNNU called and kindly offered to babysit  a very drunk Ms. Townes. I woke up in the arms of a very nice man and my dog. Unharmed.  Someone was watching over me and I'm really thankful for that.


Dinner on Sunday was a chore because, one, I was recovering and the roomy wanted to make a dessert which meant I had to share my oven. One of his friend from the USMC came, as well as PNNU, and new friend we met the night before. Dinner would be followed by this dessert, I had to share my oven for. Totally worth it and it is so, going into the cook book. It was some kind of Apple Cobbler Crumble topped with a scoop of Vanilla Ice Cream. It was amazing. After the food was put away, PNNU  had to leave but pretty much said he'd come to dinner no matter who was cooking, then asked why my roomy was not married yet. I can't answer that.


We then went out to do some Karaoke, roomy and new friend ruined Dream On by Aerosmith, and a few other songs. I did Just A Girl by No Doubt and There You Go by Pink when everyone thought Pink was "Black."

I refused to be intoxicated last night. I did have some drinks but I was not in it to get drunk. I wanted to sing and that's what I did. And by the standards the folks at the bar had, I'm not half bad. Yeah my ego got stroked. That's other reason to stay sober last night. I sound awful drunk. 

The weekend was hard on both my and RFKAO's bodies, and we have volleyball tonight. I am and I am not looking forward to it.  Volleyball does not look like it is such a demanding sport but OH MY GOD, it is. It's sober fun with people who just want to play and I think that's something we both need in our lives. 

I've got the roomy blogging now. He named me Queen Bee in his (because I'm awesome), hopefully the next time he post and update I can link it here so, you can get the other side of this super roomy duo.

I'm off to put some work into chapter seven. In this chapter everyone is really tense. I like it.

It puts the lotion in it's skin...

I like moral support. Moral support is freaking great, I especially do when I get to the be the one granting it. Makes me feel super needed and loved.


What this is, is really a type of co dependence. I need to feel something external validates my own personal worth. Sad isn't it. It's part and parcel with my many issues, it goes past my alcoholism, passed a lot of things I'm not willing to share. The fact is I know that I can get a little codependent and I wonder sometimes if I've gone too far.


To me I feel like I can be this great giving person. If not money or food or my couch or some thing tangible I have to  be that person who is always there. It's my substitute for booze. By immersing myself into someone else's life I can for a short time forget about mine.


I can forget that I want to be a writer and I haven't written anything. I can forget that I don't have money to pay my phone bill this month because I spent the money on unnecessary things like shoes or t-shirts. I can forget, and I can look like a freaking super hero in the process.


I totally soak it up. like lotion on dry skin.


There's a group for people like me. CA. Since I'm already in AA I think I'm covered for all the alkie things I'm inclined to do. The fellowship there is something people like me needs. Otherwise I'd be out of control.


Sadly I'm blogging here with out a fully formed though. Once in a while I have to do this in order to clear my head. Call it a way to vent a little frustration.


I'm still working the phones so I might come back and contribute something else. Otherwise I'll be on again later and hopefully I'll blog something and no one will die like in "No Place for Old Men" rest in peace Davy Jones.


And here's a random picture because I just like opening myself up for bad press.

The small miracles

Today I took Chewy on a walk and you know what he did? Do you care? He went #2 outside! It only took a month! The pads were getting expensive. That and I was beginning to think I'll never use those special bags I bought just for picking up after him. Progress!


So after gushing profusely over Nurse Mom's voicemail I returned home and thought: Now what? I mean it's a battle won and not the war. But it made me think of all the other stuff that I needed to take on.


The book, has been languishing at chapter six for like evah, this blog hasn' been updated in like 4 evah, Poly-Sci is kicking my ass again, and Ms. Townes has quietly put everything down and had a screw it all moment.


The small miracle about all this is that today is day 179 of sobriety. I haven't given away my dog. Chapter six is about to get the jump start of a life time. I've donated my voice to a habitual pod caster. I have VA health care now. I'm about to get a fabulous paycheck and there's a concert tonight that I have a ticket to attend.


Life is on the up and up. I even met someone. I'm not really into him but it's a start. I'm hoping I can find the courage to tell him let him down easily. Every instinct in me says to be rude and abrupt about it. In my new found sobriety I don't believe that is a good idea. But the fact is, I need to scratch this new person off my list, so scratch him off I will do. (Don't ask what's wrong with him, I'm not going to tell.)


But yeah small miracles. I even go in touch with a publishing consultant. Something about this guy seems fishy. Says my spidey senses, I wonder how much this guy is going to charge...

Testing my mettle

I desired to meet people yesterday so bad that I invited myself to a charity event. Sadly it was at a bar, but I went and had two Sprites.

Funny thing I'd been thinking this same scenario in my mind for as long as I've been living here in San Diego. Of course the AA-ers would think this is a bad idea. But for some reason I kept thinking I could and would do this.

So I gathered a bag of item's I'll never wear again and trotted my happy sober self on to the Foundry. It's some where on University, tiny place and fairly decent food.

Here I am surrounded by the sights and smells and sounds associated with social inebriation. I introduced myself to one of the organizers then promptly make an attempt to get my Sprite. No go, fine, plan B. have a smoke outside.

Call me crazy, but I kept picturing in my head me standing outside a bar with a bunch of drunk smokers. And I wanted to experience this. Am I relapsing? The relapse always happens in your mind long before the first drink, so is this it? I don't know.

But outside the bar I'm talking to people both sober and not so sober and I'm having a great time. About an hour after arriving I'm actually comfortable being around the booze. Granted it helps that this place markets itself as a trendy beer and pizza place, since I'm a liquor and wine girl the temptation isn't blatantly displayed. I even broached that I'm a recovering alcoholic, this being San Diego fully of super friendly people, I was actually well received.

I felt totally empowered in my sobriety to think that I can survive the social scene and not be awkward about my "handicap" with alcohol.  The only dark lining around this bright cloud is the fact that I will not always have the will power to resist. Not every day can I make the right decision to not drink. My celebration only reinforces my need stay in the program for the rest of my life. (I sound like some brainwashed freak I know)

That and the fact that with out booze I'm still an interesting person. I even managed to find another writer in all this. I hope to get together and do the whole writer thing, I'm really excited.

I'm going to go all Ka-Bar (Katie a good friend) and say that Friday night was a WIN. FACT!!!

Lost in AA

Tonight I decided to forgo the hot lines and went looking for a new AA meeting.  I got on the website and searched out one Downtown. There is one closer to my home but I went last week and the Secretary gave me the heebegeebees. But in a pinch I'm always welcome as is the way in AA.  I really wanted to go tonight even though I promised I'd be on the phones all afternoon into the night.

I took Chewy out for a really long walk this afternoon in preps for leaving him home alone. Got back just in time to run late. Never the less, with directions save to my smart phone I trotted off to the bus stop.

In an uncharacteristic moment of zen, two #10s pass by. Normally you'll see two 7s followed by one 10 bus. This does not bode well for Ms. Townes. The meeting starts at 6:30, it's 5:45 already and I have to change buses once. Google said the trip will take 53 minutes, yep, no bueno.

Because I know the first leg of my trip will take a while I break out my Ipod and read some book I have saved on it. Some preggo heroine is being attacked by some angry magical being. For this heroine, it's all in a days work. No worries. Yeah for her, for me I just missed my stop.

On foot I decided to consult my smart phone again to make sure I'm at least close. Some how I decided I was and began huffing it in the wrong direction. Backtracking to the correct street I'm now wondering why I can't find the building. Well because I'm on the right street, which is good, but ten-twelve blocks away, which is not good.

 It's now 6:20, I'm just going to crash the party late. I managed to get some good news from a hostess at a place called Ravioli's. They said that I am about a brisk 14 minute walk away from the street I want. By 6:40, I'm so close I can almost smell the bad coffee, but I have to pee so bad I need to stop.

Hindsight is always the first thing on my mind, I should have asked to use the facilities at Ravioli's. I'm sure they would have let me. The place was a little out of the way from the center of Downtown SD. Repeat business you know... Albertson's appears out of nowhere. You gotta love supermarkets and their non public bathrooms, that all the public uses. The good news is it's only a block over from where the meeting SHOULD be. The bad news is that it's now 6:55. I might as well give up the ghost.

Well it is a supermarket so I'll pick up a few things.

On the way to the nearest bus going back towards Downtown center, I actually see this place. It's a nice one, I'm really sad that I missed it. I don't think the coffee would have smelled bad either. I mean I can't drink that stuff but I can enjoy the smell. There's a few people standing outside the place when I pass by. The meeting has been over for at least ten minutes but I'm afraid (there's that word again) to approach them. Seriously it's AA I can admit that I'm a member, that's one thing, but to walk up to a random stranger and say "hey did the AA meeting just let out," is another.

I sort of feel like I'm violating their anonymity, by asking them so I walk by, continuing to scope the place out as much at I can before I head back home. Hindsight again says I should have toughed out the creepy secretary and went to the closer meeting. It not only started later so I would have made it. I would have gotten home in enough time to actually get on the phone tonight.

But I'm not done. Determined to get my AA on for the night, I decided to log on to the open recovery chat. Where I am immediately harassed by someone one for saying I need a new sponsor. Not to insult my sponsor but she and I have not talked in a very long time. I said this much and got my ass chewed for saying I need more guidance.

Someways I can see how I may have provoked her. Other ways I'm not at fault. I've maintained my sobriety for almost six months. I'm proud of that, I take offense to some random person who admits that they drank tonight yelling at me for wanting to fire my sponsor. One I'm not firing her. Two the last thing she said to me was good information so there's no need to fire her. The point I made and this "person" seemed to miss was that I need more guidance. I'm not going to sink to her level though. I told her I forgave her for trying to irritate me, and proceeded to ignore her. She eventually left the chat.

Which brings me to this: Why argue with people you don't know? Why take so much pleasure in causing someone else discomfort. What does one gain?

My Alkie brian wants to dismiss her just because she'd been drinking. Thus I get to say "ha I'm better than you," but the real problem is not two alkies arguing. The real problem is two people who have no ties trading insults over the internet.

I've got a picture for that ...
The whole AA experience tonight was ruined because of piss poor internet protocol.  I truly needed to make a meeting today. I lost my temper with Chewy. I yelled at him and the poor guy cowered. I've been frustrated over not making enough money lately, and I haven't been able to write, and I missed class on Wednesday.

I was/am on my own last nerve. When I get like this I need to reach out. AA is a ready support system, even if you don't always get what you want. 99.9% of the time you'll get what you need.

So the plan after fighting the VA tomorrow part 3, I shall find the nearest AA meeting and get my fellowship on.

Tonight though I'll pray for Serenity.

Feeling So Much Better Today.

Last night I had the mother of all anxiety attacks, and I just so happen to share that with the world. How do I feel today? A little better. Called mom, chatted on AA, even called one of the VA crisis lines. I took Chewy out for two walks.

Today started off with a call from Dad, who by the way, has no clue that I had an anxiety attack last night. I got a call from Mom, any minute my two brothers, two of my cousins, and an uncle will call. Later but not too much later I'll try to call one of my Aunts. So goes the Sunday routine. It's nice to have that re-established now that I'm back in the states.

But that's not why I'm blogging today. I have noticed over the last few months when I talk to people on the phone that I have several pet peeves. My biggest being proper speaker phone etiquette. So I have compiled a list for those who have been both the criminal and the victim in/of poor speaker phone manners.

No need to go up in arms about this, it's not directed at any one person. I've just made these simple guidelines, to remind people of how to properly use your speaker phones.


In other news, I've decided to take a break from Chapter 6 and focus on retooling the untitled freaky sea creature story. I have not contributed to it since the New year and I feel that I'm stunting myself by not writing at all. So The New God is tabled for at least another week.

That and I still haven't done my homework yet.

Back at Sea/Tac

Today is the first day of the rest of my life. As I've been camped out in the Seattle/Tacoma International Airport since 11 AM and its 4:30 isn't really that bad. That I've been discharged since 8:30 this morning is another story.

Funny thing I had a craving today. I really truly wanted a drink. I almost rationalized that I should have a drink. It seemed like such a good idea. In fact it still seems like a good idea. I just don't want to take that chance. I find myself even talking to myself about just having a drink.
Seriously no one would know that I drank today. Because I'll just have one. Since I haven't overindulged since my 31st birthday, I think I can manage one drink.

Personally I think it's harder to accept that I have a drinking problem if I really have three drinks a night. That's all I needed. So some days like today when I almost fooled myself into having one are really hard to fight. What scares me is that they will offer me something on the plane and I'll take it. I know nothing will come of it. Because I've been very responsible, and successful at masking this problem. But I don't believe that I really want to ruin everything I've put into recovery since August 22, 2011.  It's not worth it.

Speaking of drunk people, So I'm begging the boarding agent to let me on an earlier flight. Right next to me at the next counter, this creepy guy just falls over. I mean not a sound he just drops. The chick who was checking him in for the flight, doesn't bat an eye. Not only does she not bat an eye, but then says very calmly, "He's alright, if someone could find a doctor, he'll be alright." (OMG I heard someone really say Is there a Doctor in the house? I thought they only said that in movies.) Why Sea/Tac must you be so dramatic?

The guy who wreaked by the way. Attempted to get up a few times, succeeding in slamming his head into the back of the counter. It was not pretty, rather undignified really.  Then I saw the crack in his ass, and I almost gagged. Why Sea/Tac, just why?

A doctor actually does come to the rescue! This ought to be on a sitcom somewhere. He's walks right past drunk and sexy and asks the boarding agent what's going on. Dude you just walk past it...

And as we speak everyone is taking pictures of the sunset. I love sunsets too but I've seen better. So I had to ask: "Is it because sunsets are so uncommon that everyone's taking pictures?" To me having been in Washington State for the past week, where for three of those six days I saw no sun, it's a rational question. Why did the woman look at me crazy?

Back to drunk and sexy, a few guys kindly get him to a seat, where he starts whining about his mother. Oh My Goodness. I can't make this shit up. No wonder I write fiction, the reality is a mess. When the paramedics and the police come, he vehemently denies that there's a problem. Lucky me, I got more FAIL stickers. Dude we can smell you...

Needless to say all the excitement and frustration (cause I never got on the earlier flight) coupled with extreme exhaustion (stayed up packing and repacking until 2am) triggers my craving. There are some moments in life that just should be experienced slightly intoxicated. This might have been one of them.

Like riding a bike

When I was skinny I rode a bike everywhere. There is a bike path along the South West Corridor that leads you pretty much all the way to City Hall. I have rode that path hundreds of times.

After boot camp I got stationed in Norfolk, Virginia. I was not so skinny by then and purchased a bike to keep the weight down. There wasn't something as scenic as the South West Corridor but it was still a nice ride. I even had a bell for it.

When I moved over seas I took my bike with me, intending to keep to my pedaling ways. It's Japan, everyone rides a bike. Did I? No. As my bike came out of it's shipping container, I realized that I lived too far to commute to work. That and I was terrified that I'd bike on the wrong side of the road and get hurt.

Which leads me to the current day where I am once again on a bike happily commuting to and from the daily Musters during my final check out. The only problem, aside from not having working breaks this afternoon, my fat ass. Seriously my badunka-dunk needs it's own zip code.

No make over is complete without some overhaul on the diet. This means no more Chocolate covered cashews. I'm allergic to the caffeine anyway. And lay off the soda.

I know exactly what needs to be done to get my body in shape, smaller meals, regular meal schedules, exercise, and vitamins. Since I don't drink anymore this should be easy.  And of course you guessed it, it's not.

Living Sober, a guide to sobriety says that you're body will demand some kind of supplemental satisfaction. The fat kid in me says YAY! SWEETS! Sweet! The book practically gives you permission to continue treating your body like ass. Lets rejoice in junk food!

Then later that night when I curl up with my lap top and full bag of Fun Sized Snickers. I won't think about the slow climb through the rolling hills of Bremerton Washington. I definitely won't be thinking about my heavy breathing eating that candy. Or that fact that I have to go up a size on jeans.

The next day when I am dying from over exertion on the aforementioned hill I know I WILL be thinking about that bag of Snickers. I have to wonder what possessed me to even buy them? The answer eludes me.

But I shall get up this hill, if only to just get up the dang hill. Maybe I should put a stack of free money in a box at the top. Or I should get something shiny and leave it there. It would be like Roller Derby in this beast yo.

What ever my motivation or your motivation it better continue. Remaking oneself is supposed to be permanent. What would be the point of all this work?

Speaking of work: Sandy-Jade over on wattpad designed this cover for The New God. I love it. What do you think?

 Actually I want to change a few things but other than that it's awesome. I think I want to change the tube to a tank.   Okay maybe I don't love it. But Sandy-Jade captured her face perfect. Now that Celine has a face I think a lot will come together for her as a character, or a real person. The original that she started with had some head gear to it.

I had some other one she sent me that struck my fancy. Below I'll post them as well.

Personally I'm just glad to have another reason to finish this book. My new life DOES depend on it.


If I had to have a back up cover it's be this one to my left. It expresses how Celine hides her true self and how the magic with-in her really is the one in control.

I do however like the simplicity of the one on the bottom. Simply you can't have good without evil type thing.

Writers Block

I've been having a little writer's block when it comes the books. I'm having a moment, that clearly is  lasting longer than a moment, that seems to be taking over the part of my brain which loves making stuff up. Maybe it has to do with the talk with my uncle this weekend. Maybe it's the Holidays and I haven't put up the tree, maybe I've been too busy trying to market myself and haven't put forth much effort on the books.

One at a time let's look. Talked to my Uncle J this weekend; I read an excerpt from the back story of the twins part of The New God. He said it was too wordy. What is this too wordy? He elaborated a bit more and Ms. Townes was not a happy camper. I should post the Twins so you all can read it. Not that I don't value his opinion, I do, I'd just hate to be wrong. Plus it hurt just a little.

The Holidays are here and Japan is not excused from it. There are Christmas Trees all over the place and the KFC dressed up the statue of the Colonel in a Santa outfit. I'm told that I could get orders to move any day now. Hence I haven't even put my Christmas wreath on my door. In the back of my mind I keep hearing put up the tree, but then I don't want to have to take it down and re-pack it. Call it lack of Christmas Spirit.

Maybe I have been too busy trying to market myself to do any actual work on the books. I'm not sure. Maybe I'm spending too much time waiting on something that might not happen. Perhaps I'm looking for someone to show more interest in my stories to spur me into action. Perhaps I should go out and take a few pictures this coming weekend instead of sitting down in my office?

That sounds like a great idea actually. I'll take my big girl camera and my little girl one too and see what I find. I'll download a few new albums from Itunes then see what crops up.

One more thing! Yesterday after I posted my entry I suffered and attack of unwarranted fear.  I debated AFTER the fact about whether or not I should be discussing my personal problems with Alcoholism in such a public manner. I debated taking the post down. I even went to an AA chat site and asked them their opinion. By the end of the night and into this morning. I came to the conclusion that by taking down the post it would seem that I'm ashamed for writing about it.

Well I refuse to be ashamed that I am a recovering alcoholic. I realized this might be the equivalent of social suicide. Let's face it, this blog only get 25 hits daily. I'm not reaching a lot of people. Mostly the visitors are people I know in and out of the Navy and from other stages in my life. So I'm really thankful to be sharing a piece of myself with you. When I finish my book, I'll have all of you to thank.

Remaking Me: can I change?

Went to AA today. Read the account of Bill W. the man who wrote the twelve steps. He's got an interesting story. He says in the last few paragraphs of his story that "An alcoholic in his cups is and unlovely creature." Being the wonderful person I am, and an alcoholic I think that of course can't be me. I'm all types of awesome, there's nothing unlovely about me. When really that's not true.

What makes me pause is that he's willing for the benefit of suffering alcoholics every where, to examine how he thought of himself. At first before he thought he had a problem he could have conquered the world. Then when he hit his bottom he wallowed in self pity. Truthfully I have spent hours, if not days, going over my faults and found myself lacking. To everyone else though I tried to have the appearance of a person with some level of control over myself. I do this so I can say that I am all types of awesome. My struggle with being an alcoholic is all about finding the balance between saying I'm all types of awesome and believing, then proving that I am.

How does one make awesome happen? Well with work, lots of it, and not just a marketing strategy. I have to work at several things: letting go my anger, being humble, being of service with out expecting gratitude and allowing myself to be vulnerable.  Things that in my opinion are just not part of my "plan".  In particular being vulnerable, I've got a wall so high and so thick that it might take years before I allow that to happen. Years.

I'm not going to go into detail about how I got to this point. Seriously, that's like, asking for someone to make a joke in poor taste. The point is I have reached a level in my life where things need to change. With four months sober things are actually changing! Surprise!!!! Hopefully they keep on changing. As I work through the 12 Steps with lots of help from within and outside of AA, I will be the person I say I am. As if all this awesome could get better (oh course it can).

While I was Trolling the Blogs today

I found a blog about addiction today. In it, the definition of addiction was posted, http://notalone-saints.blogspot.com/2011/12/fighting-addictions.html I was relieved that someone was brave enough to talk about addictions. I know that I am not.

I attend AA meetings twice a week. I have been for about four months now. I like them, they are a constant reminder that I am not in my recovery alone. One day when I'm more solid on my feet I will talk about it. But now the subject is addiction. If you took the time to read the article, you'd notice there was a paragraph about substitute addictions. That's something I've been dealing with a lot lately.

Yesterday when I got to the train station I immediately went to the pastry shop located across the street. I have not gone in there in quite a while. But as I said yesterday also close to the train station is the grocery store that has a whole isle dedicated to alcohol. What I did was buy yummy desserts to satisfy the urge to drink. It was impulsive, you could count it as a win if i didn't drink, right? Not really because I still had the craving and I was moved to do something out of character AND with out much though to the consequences. In this case I was up all night with gas (ewwww).

So my question is this, and I already know the answer but I like to ask anyway. How do I curb the impulses and still process the stress? My brain will demand some kind of action. If I don't do something I will start seeing triggers and having cravings until I can either suppress the impulse or satisfy it.

How are you on deep breathing?