A quick reminder that I'm not well

The VA contacted me recently by snail mail and told me that my claim for disability was under review. Well that's just peachy. Then I got a letter stating that I'd have a bunch of appointments to verify if I am in fact in need eligible. Understandable. What I had not prepared for is the trip to that particular office.

I am pretty much afraid to leave my house somedays. Brings out my completely illogical fears of being unable to make it back to my home. Despite my constant search for a job I really dread going to them because I don't like getting lost. I swear by Google Maps. If I find a place to be inaccessible I'm not going there. So you can imagine my freakishly out of proportion reaction to getting lost on the way to my first appointment.

First off there were at least four ways of getting to this location by bus. I left with plenty of time to make it there and I even choose the best route (the one with the least amount of connections). I left at nine for an eleven AM meeting. The traffic was fairly light and I'm expecting this to be an easy trip.

What I did not plan for is the grossly inaccurate distance I had to walk. Normally I like walking, just not on the side of the road. I also like nature too, not up close and personal like the snake I encountered on said side of the road. The same goes for the mud I slipped in or that soccer mom that almost rolled over me.

Like any person with anxiety issues I panicked. While the road continued the buildings became more sparse and then completely disappeared. I found myself on an empty road with woods around me, highway flowers, a big ass snake and those huge red ant you only read about in National Geographic Magazines. Looking at my watch I saw that I was late and I feared that if I missed this appointment I'd be automatically disqualified. I'm not going to say I don't need the money. I had to make this meeting and walking down a road that seemed to go on forever without any signs of civilization scared the shit out of me.

I became this sniveling hysterical creature I haven't seen in ages, inconsolable, begging for help that wasn't there and desperately wanting to go home. I really had no choice but to keep walking. So I walked and cried, imagining my body being eaten by carrion birds. I pictured my dog slowly baking to death in my empty apartment. No one would come looking for me because I'd managed to alienate everyone local because of my reclusive tendencies. I'd sort of die on this empty road.

When I finally found the building out in the middle of nowhere I was too tired to even be happy that I arrived. I wanted to go home. I didn't feel safe even if I manage to get back to civilization. I didn't want all these people staring at me. I was covered in mud, there was a snake, I was late, I failed to help myself and now everyone knew it.

Someone took pity on me and I was able to meet with the person assigned to assess me. She was coincidently the person there to my mental health. How oddly convenient. She asked me how have I handled my anxiety, then answer for me because I was still upset. It went something like, I have changed my behavior so much to avoid situations where my anxiety will be triggered.

Well there is a way to look at that. I wonder if that's what she wrote down? After my morning the day pretty much went smoothly. I made my next appointment and even donated plasma today. I am pretty tired and my legs hurt. I am glad to be home though. Things make so much sense here. The noise outside is sort of comforting. Even the chickens are welcome to me right now.

Teaser for Wednesday / Call the Cops-and the Post Office

It is my greatest pleasure to say that this Wednesday I am going to review Gini Koch's latest book in the Kitty Katt Series Alien Diplomacy. While this weekend I struggled with a weekend edition on dating and failed miserably, I did finish her book and got to ponder it at leisure.


Then comes Monday and with that the start of my next book for next Wednesday. Trust me anything after Gini Koch better be dam good. Thanks to Madison Woods' facebook page I find this written by Ms. Koch herself, in Science Fiction Daily, about why her science fiction is so freaking awesome. Because it's funny. FACT


She makes a valid point and then sells you on one her other series to the point that I really want to go clear a section of me already cluttered book shelf just for her. Lord help me I might have to get another shelf.






Call the Cops -and the Post Office


Kiddies this weekend while I was home alone the whole weekend (yeah that's bad) some jacktard decided to wash a check of mine and attempt to cash it. Lucky me or unlucky how ever you want to look at it, I'm broke. He re-wrote it for $675 I don't have that in my account. I have like $40. It of course bounced.


I tried to figure out how this happened and came up with mail box tampering. Thanks to my friends and their expert level skill on Google, we found the guy. I have his facebook and myspace page, I know what high school the guy goes to. I've manage to prepare a packet for whom ever decides to actually investigate. But here I should share with you how this made me really feel.

I'm pretty butt hurt about that. Frankly I feel that it's appropriate. I could be wrong though.


So I took the following actions: I called the bank, the Post office my Uncle Jack, the Police, the big three credit bureaus, the police again, the bank again, my brother Darryl, my brother Dana, the Post Office again, Dad to wish him happy birthday and finally Mom.


There are a billion things I could have done this weekend but this gross violation of privacy took front and center so I had to deal with that.


What I want to know is: Who steals from poor Veterans on meds? Seriously, the check was for meds, I need those. Have you seen me off my meds? It's not pretty. And I tell you what this guy should be scared if I go up there to get my refill and I can't get them. I might jut blow my top.


What I keep hearing from the parties not associated but still concerned is that the Post Office will probably be the ones to catch the guy as opposed to the Police. That does not bode well with me. My parents were both at one time Police Officers. I'm pretty cool with the ones I have to deal with and it looks bad to me that another agency might get all the glory on this.


But what can I do but keep my information organized and give copies to both.




I think I'll go start my next book Abraham Lincoln Vampire Hunter. Don't forget to check back on Wednesday for Gini Koch's review.

Political Science: The Drop. Sad Face...

Well guys I'm going to have to admit defeat on this here. I clearly was not ready to take on the extra pressure of taking Political Science. I really want to say because it was hard, but that's not the reason.


Let's be honest folks I hate leaving my home. I hate leaving my home so much that I haven't been back to the VA to pick up the meds I so desperately need to be on.  I hate leaving my home so much that I haven't been t Volleyball, even though I love to play it. Nor have I been out since I went to the concert two weeks ago. I just outright hate it. Walking Chewy is my only willing break.


If I was lazy about Poly Sci I would not feel so bad. If I had money to burn I would not feel bad. If I already had my degree I would definitely not feel bad. But none of those thing are a factor. Fear and the sense of being over whelmed have gotten the best of me.


So the new plan is: Get more proficient at this hustle. Manage my time a lot better. Train the dog. Reestablish contact with the VA so I can get back on my meds. Begin to be a functional human being again. 


I admit that I'm not playing with a full deck. I realized this about a month ago and continued to put it off. It's kind of part of my sickness: to pretend that I'm okay. Really I'm not okay. And truth be told I haven't been able to write anything good since the meds wore off.


I've said it before. It sucks to know that I'll be on medicine for the rest of my life just to function. I should be okay with this since I have been taking medication for Migraines since I was 8. My pride has been injured most because it's not just Migraine medication anymore, and it's not just pills. It's AA, it's therapy, it's everything I abhor just because I can't be left alone. And the less I take care of these things, the further away from my goals I move.


Political Science was a fun and engaging class. My teacher clearly had enthusiasm for his topics every day. I wanted to be there. I wanted to write the papers if only to better my language skills. I just seemed to stay right on the outside of ready for this kind of pressure. Before I freak out and call this a failure, get all emotional and start thinking negative, I need to step back and examine why.


I've done that to the best of my abilities and I came to the conclusion that I can't in all fairness do right by myself with this class unless I handle the immediate needs first. Improve my financial situation, get back on my medications, train the dog because the alternative is killing the little guy and establish a better routine so my plan of attack isn't rushed unorganized and holy.

I think I should make this a list. 

The small miracles

Today I took Chewy on a walk and you know what he did? Do you care? He went #2 outside! It only took a month! The pads were getting expensive. That and I was beginning to think I'll never use those special bags I bought just for picking up after him. Progress!


So after gushing profusely over Nurse Mom's voicemail I returned home and thought: Now what? I mean it's a battle won and not the war. But it made me think of all the other stuff that I needed to take on.


The book, has been languishing at chapter six for like evah, this blog hasn' been updated in like 4 evah, Poly-Sci is kicking my ass again, and Ms. Townes has quietly put everything down and had a screw it all moment.


The small miracle about all this is that today is day 179 of sobriety. I haven't given away my dog. Chapter six is about to get the jump start of a life time. I've donated my voice to a habitual pod caster. I have VA health care now. I'm about to get a fabulous paycheck and there's a concert tonight that I have a ticket to attend.


Life is on the up and up. I even met someone. I'm not really into him but it's a start. I'm hoping I can find the courage to tell him let him down easily. Every instinct in me says to be rude and abrupt about it. In my new found sobriety I don't believe that is a good idea. But the fact is, I need to scratch this new person off my list, so scratch him off I will do. (Don't ask what's wrong with him, I'm not going to tell.)


But yeah small miracles. I even go in touch with a publishing consultant. Something about this guy seems fishy. Says my spidey senses, I wonder how much this guy is going to charge...

Lost in AA

Tonight I decided to forgo the hot lines and went looking for a new AA meeting.  I got on the website and searched out one Downtown. There is one closer to my home but I went last week and the Secretary gave me the heebegeebees. But in a pinch I'm always welcome as is the way in AA.  I really wanted to go tonight even though I promised I'd be on the phones all afternoon into the night.

I took Chewy out for a really long walk this afternoon in preps for leaving him home alone. Got back just in time to run late. Never the less, with directions save to my smart phone I trotted off to the bus stop.

In an uncharacteristic moment of zen, two #10s pass by. Normally you'll see two 7s followed by one 10 bus. This does not bode well for Ms. Townes. The meeting starts at 6:30, it's 5:45 already and I have to change buses once. Google said the trip will take 53 minutes, yep, no bueno.

Because I know the first leg of my trip will take a while I break out my Ipod and read some book I have saved on it. Some preggo heroine is being attacked by some angry magical being. For this heroine, it's all in a days work. No worries. Yeah for her, for me I just missed my stop.

On foot I decided to consult my smart phone again to make sure I'm at least close. Some how I decided I was and began huffing it in the wrong direction. Backtracking to the correct street I'm now wondering why I can't find the building. Well because I'm on the right street, which is good, but ten-twelve blocks away, which is not good.

 It's now 6:20, I'm just going to crash the party late. I managed to get some good news from a hostess at a place called Ravioli's. They said that I am about a brisk 14 minute walk away from the street I want. By 6:40, I'm so close I can almost smell the bad coffee, but I have to pee so bad I need to stop.

Hindsight is always the first thing on my mind, I should have asked to use the facilities at Ravioli's. I'm sure they would have let me. The place was a little out of the way from the center of Downtown SD. Repeat business you know... Albertson's appears out of nowhere. You gotta love supermarkets and their non public bathrooms, that all the public uses. The good news is it's only a block over from where the meeting SHOULD be. The bad news is that it's now 6:55. I might as well give up the ghost.

Well it is a supermarket so I'll pick up a few things.

On the way to the nearest bus going back towards Downtown center, I actually see this place. It's a nice one, I'm really sad that I missed it. I don't think the coffee would have smelled bad either. I mean I can't drink that stuff but I can enjoy the smell. There's a few people standing outside the place when I pass by. The meeting has been over for at least ten minutes but I'm afraid (there's that word again) to approach them. Seriously it's AA I can admit that I'm a member, that's one thing, but to walk up to a random stranger and say "hey did the AA meeting just let out," is another.

I sort of feel like I'm violating their anonymity, by asking them so I walk by, continuing to scope the place out as much at I can before I head back home. Hindsight again says I should have toughed out the creepy secretary and went to the closer meeting. It not only started later so I would have made it. I would have gotten home in enough time to actually get on the phone tonight.

But I'm not done. Determined to get my AA on for the night, I decided to log on to the open recovery chat. Where I am immediately harassed by someone one for saying I need a new sponsor. Not to insult my sponsor but she and I have not talked in a very long time. I said this much and got my ass chewed for saying I need more guidance.

Someways I can see how I may have provoked her. Other ways I'm not at fault. I've maintained my sobriety for almost six months. I'm proud of that, I take offense to some random person who admits that they drank tonight yelling at me for wanting to fire my sponsor. One I'm not firing her. Two the last thing she said to me was good information so there's no need to fire her. The point I made and this "person" seemed to miss was that I need more guidance. I'm not going to sink to her level though. I told her I forgave her for trying to irritate me, and proceeded to ignore her. She eventually left the chat.

Which brings me to this: Why argue with people you don't know? Why take so much pleasure in causing someone else discomfort. What does one gain?

My Alkie brian wants to dismiss her just because she'd been drinking. Thus I get to say "ha I'm better than you," but the real problem is not two alkies arguing. The real problem is two people who have no ties trading insults over the internet.

I've got a picture for that ...
The whole AA experience tonight was ruined because of piss poor internet protocol.  I truly needed to make a meeting today. I lost my temper with Chewy. I yelled at him and the poor guy cowered. I've been frustrated over not making enough money lately, and I haven't been able to write, and I missed class on Wednesday.

I was/am on my own last nerve. When I get like this I need to reach out. AA is a ready support system, even if you don't always get what you want. 99.9% of the time you'll get what you need.

So the plan after fighting the VA tomorrow part 3, I shall find the nearest AA meeting and get my fellowship on.

Tonight though I'll pray for Serenity.