Niggling Self Doubt: When AA is your little voice

I was at Karaoke last night and I was drinking. Now me being the person I am, completely denies I have a problem with alcohol. And normally I don't feel any guilt. I go out once a week and I drink which isn't really a bad thing no matter how you look at it.

What bother's me about last night is that when the bar ran out of what I normally drink (Cider) I went for something I never drink (Tequila Sunrise). I drank two. Ask me if I felt it this morning. The answer is not really. 

What made me choose that drink? I hate tequila. Why did I drink two? Is it because I feel safe at karaoke surrounded by good friends? Is it because I was upset? I know how fast that shite works on me and yet I bull dozed my way through the china shop anyway. I didn't think.

Now me being technically a rehab failure already I have to wonder one if I ever had a problem with alcohol or am I starting to have a problem right now? Do I need to go back to AA over my choice of poison? I don't know. The shrink who helped me through my mental melt down last year suggested rehab because of the amount of intensive therapy it would offer. He said I could get better there and learn some thing about myself. It worked. Probably a little too well. By the time I left I couldn't even pass through the cold remedy isle when I got sick. All the time wondering if I ever had a moment in my life when I NEEDED booze to get through my day. Seriously no, never had that moment in my life.

Somewhere in the AA Big Book there is a part where they talk about telling someone everything they need to know and then leaving them to decide for themselves. That is the worst. It's like teaching someone how to use a gun and then telling them only in an dire emergencies can you fire this weapon. How dire does the emergency have to be?

I woke up this morning with a little cotton mouth and a tingly jaw. I didn't fall on anything so it must be residual booze still in my system. I'm not suffering, no pressing need to praise the porcelain deity in my bathroom or any unexplainable stickiness in my undies. I'm pretty good actually, miraculously good.

Knowing that Karaoke night is my one night out each week did I switch to tequila because I wanted that good buzz, or was that really the first thing on my mind? I could have choose something else. Normally I do. Now that I think about it, last week I had two shots of whiskey. I hate whiskey too.

I just have that niggling feeling of self-doubt. 

Do I have a problem? 

It puts the lotion in it's skin...

I like moral support. Moral support is freaking great, I especially do when I get to the be the one granting it. Makes me feel super needed and loved.


What this is, is really a type of co dependence. I need to feel something external validates my own personal worth. Sad isn't it. It's part and parcel with my many issues, it goes past my alcoholism, passed a lot of things I'm not willing to share. The fact is I know that I can get a little codependent and I wonder sometimes if I've gone too far.


To me I feel like I can be this great giving person. If not money or food or my couch or some thing tangible I have to  be that person who is always there. It's my substitute for booze. By immersing myself into someone else's life I can for a short time forget about mine.


I can forget that I want to be a writer and I haven't written anything. I can forget that I don't have money to pay my phone bill this month because I spent the money on unnecessary things like shoes or t-shirts. I can forget, and I can look like a freaking super hero in the process.


I totally soak it up. like lotion on dry skin.


There's a group for people like me. CA. Since I'm already in AA I think I'm covered for all the alkie things I'm inclined to do. The fellowship there is something people like me needs. Otherwise I'd be out of control.


Sadly I'm blogging here with out a fully formed though. Once in a while I have to do this in order to clear my head. Call it a way to vent a little frustration.


I'm still working the phones so I might come back and contribute something else. Otherwise I'll be on again later and hopefully I'll blog something and no one will die like in "No Place for Old Men" rest in peace Davy Jones.


And here's a random picture because I just like opening myself up for bad press.

Testing my mettle

I desired to meet people yesterday so bad that I invited myself to a charity event. Sadly it was at a bar, but I went and had two Sprites.

Funny thing I'd been thinking this same scenario in my mind for as long as I've been living here in San Diego. Of course the AA-ers would think this is a bad idea. But for some reason I kept thinking I could and would do this.

So I gathered a bag of item's I'll never wear again and trotted my happy sober self on to the Foundry. It's some where on University, tiny place and fairly decent food.

Here I am surrounded by the sights and smells and sounds associated with social inebriation. I introduced myself to one of the organizers then promptly make an attempt to get my Sprite. No go, fine, plan B. have a smoke outside.

Call me crazy, but I kept picturing in my head me standing outside a bar with a bunch of drunk smokers. And I wanted to experience this. Am I relapsing? The relapse always happens in your mind long before the first drink, so is this it? I don't know.

But outside the bar I'm talking to people both sober and not so sober and I'm having a great time. About an hour after arriving I'm actually comfortable being around the booze. Granted it helps that this place markets itself as a trendy beer and pizza place, since I'm a liquor and wine girl the temptation isn't blatantly displayed. I even broached that I'm a recovering alcoholic, this being San Diego fully of super friendly people, I was actually well received.

I felt totally empowered in my sobriety to think that I can survive the social scene and not be awkward about my "handicap" with alcohol.  The only dark lining around this bright cloud is the fact that I will not always have the will power to resist. Not every day can I make the right decision to not drink. My celebration only reinforces my need stay in the program for the rest of my life. (I sound like some brainwashed freak I know)

That and the fact that with out booze I'm still an interesting person. I even managed to find another writer in all this. I hope to get together and do the whole writer thing, I'm really excited.

I'm going to go all Ka-Bar (Katie a good friend) and say that Friday night was a WIN. FACT!!!

Lost in AA

Tonight I decided to forgo the hot lines and went looking for a new AA meeting.  I got on the website and searched out one Downtown. There is one closer to my home but I went last week and the Secretary gave me the heebegeebees. But in a pinch I'm always welcome as is the way in AA.  I really wanted to go tonight even though I promised I'd be on the phones all afternoon into the night.

I took Chewy out for a really long walk this afternoon in preps for leaving him home alone. Got back just in time to run late. Never the less, with directions save to my smart phone I trotted off to the bus stop.

In an uncharacteristic moment of zen, two #10s pass by. Normally you'll see two 7s followed by one 10 bus. This does not bode well for Ms. Townes. The meeting starts at 6:30, it's 5:45 already and I have to change buses once. Google said the trip will take 53 minutes, yep, no bueno.

Because I know the first leg of my trip will take a while I break out my Ipod and read some book I have saved on it. Some preggo heroine is being attacked by some angry magical being. For this heroine, it's all in a days work. No worries. Yeah for her, for me I just missed my stop.

On foot I decided to consult my smart phone again to make sure I'm at least close. Some how I decided I was and began huffing it in the wrong direction. Backtracking to the correct street I'm now wondering why I can't find the building. Well because I'm on the right street, which is good, but ten-twelve blocks away, which is not good.

 It's now 6:20, I'm just going to crash the party late. I managed to get some good news from a hostess at a place called Ravioli's. They said that I am about a brisk 14 minute walk away from the street I want. By 6:40, I'm so close I can almost smell the bad coffee, but I have to pee so bad I need to stop.

Hindsight is always the first thing on my mind, I should have asked to use the facilities at Ravioli's. I'm sure they would have let me. The place was a little out of the way from the center of Downtown SD. Repeat business you know... Albertson's appears out of nowhere. You gotta love supermarkets and their non public bathrooms, that all the public uses. The good news is it's only a block over from where the meeting SHOULD be. The bad news is that it's now 6:55. I might as well give up the ghost.

Well it is a supermarket so I'll pick up a few things.

On the way to the nearest bus going back towards Downtown center, I actually see this place. It's a nice one, I'm really sad that I missed it. I don't think the coffee would have smelled bad either. I mean I can't drink that stuff but I can enjoy the smell. There's a few people standing outside the place when I pass by. The meeting has been over for at least ten minutes but I'm afraid (there's that word again) to approach them. Seriously it's AA I can admit that I'm a member, that's one thing, but to walk up to a random stranger and say "hey did the AA meeting just let out," is another.

I sort of feel like I'm violating their anonymity, by asking them so I walk by, continuing to scope the place out as much at I can before I head back home. Hindsight again says I should have toughed out the creepy secretary and went to the closer meeting. It not only started later so I would have made it. I would have gotten home in enough time to actually get on the phone tonight.

But I'm not done. Determined to get my AA on for the night, I decided to log on to the open recovery chat. Where I am immediately harassed by someone one for saying I need a new sponsor. Not to insult my sponsor but she and I have not talked in a very long time. I said this much and got my ass chewed for saying I need more guidance.

Someways I can see how I may have provoked her. Other ways I'm not at fault. I've maintained my sobriety for almost six months. I'm proud of that, I take offense to some random person who admits that they drank tonight yelling at me for wanting to fire my sponsor. One I'm not firing her. Two the last thing she said to me was good information so there's no need to fire her. The point I made and this "person" seemed to miss was that I need more guidance. I'm not going to sink to her level though. I told her I forgave her for trying to irritate me, and proceeded to ignore her. She eventually left the chat.

Which brings me to this: Why argue with people you don't know? Why take so much pleasure in causing someone else discomfort. What does one gain?

My Alkie brian wants to dismiss her just because she'd been drinking. Thus I get to say "ha I'm better than you," but the real problem is not two alkies arguing. The real problem is two people who have no ties trading insults over the internet.

I've got a picture for that ...
The whole AA experience tonight was ruined because of piss poor internet protocol.  I truly needed to make a meeting today. I lost my temper with Chewy. I yelled at him and the poor guy cowered. I've been frustrated over not making enough money lately, and I haven't been able to write, and I missed class on Wednesday.

I was/am on my own last nerve. When I get like this I need to reach out. AA is a ready support system, even if you don't always get what you want. 99.9% of the time you'll get what you need.

So the plan after fighting the VA tomorrow part 3, I shall find the nearest AA meeting and get my fellowship on.

Tonight though I'll pray for Serenity.