Niggling Self Doubt: When AA is your little voice

I was at Karaoke last night and I was drinking. Now me being the person I am, completely denies I have a problem with alcohol. And normally I don't feel any guilt. I go out once a week and I drink which isn't really a bad thing no matter how you look at it.

What bother's me about last night is that when the bar ran out of what I normally drink (Cider) I went for something I never drink (Tequila Sunrise). I drank two. Ask me if I felt it this morning. The answer is not really. 

What made me choose that drink? I hate tequila. Why did I drink two? Is it because I feel safe at karaoke surrounded by good friends? Is it because I was upset? I know how fast that shite works on me and yet I bull dozed my way through the china shop anyway. I didn't think.

Now me being technically a rehab failure already I have to wonder one if I ever had a problem with alcohol or am I starting to have a problem right now? Do I need to go back to AA over my choice of poison? I don't know. The shrink who helped me through my mental melt down last year suggested rehab because of the amount of intensive therapy it would offer. He said I could get better there and learn some thing about myself. It worked. Probably a little too well. By the time I left I couldn't even pass through the cold remedy isle when I got sick. All the time wondering if I ever had a moment in my life when I NEEDED booze to get through my day. Seriously no, never had that moment in my life.

Somewhere in the AA Big Book there is a part where they talk about telling someone everything they need to know and then leaving them to decide for themselves. That is the worst. It's like teaching someone how to use a gun and then telling them only in an dire emergencies can you fire this weapon. How dire does the emergency have to be?

I woke up this morning with a little cotton mouth and a tingly jaw. I didn't fall on anything so it must be residual booze still in my system. I'm not suffering, no pressing need to praise the porcelain deity in my bathroom or any unexplainable stickiness in my undies. I'm pretty good actually, miraculously good.

Knowing that Karaoke night is my one night out each week did I switch to tequila because I wanted that good buzz, or was that really the first thing on my mind? I could have choose something else. Normally I do. Now that I think about it, last week I had two shots of whiskey. I hate whiskey too.

I just have that niggling feeling of self-doubt. 

Do I have a problem? 

Bean Counter: Fourth of July Edition

To fully express how this week went I decided to move this week's Bean Counter further out. Welcome to Saturday.






Went To an Independence Day Party. +10

Had no idea who the host of the party was. -5

Drank too much Margarita. -5

Froze my ass off on an unfinished deck to watch the Fireworks.-10

Three shows that were supposed to be synchronized all simultaneously malfunctioned. +19

It was pretty as heck though. +21

Found out my FASFA app was denied due to my transcripts not being submitted. I swore I took care of that. -50

Took a death test on Ok Cupid. See the following:

Dead At 72

From Cancer

Find out when and why you'll die, take The Death Test!

 +50 at least it gives me time....

Ran out of clean laundry and seriously I'm wearing my bathing suit under my clothes. -12


Found out that my super expensive flea and tick medicine for Chewy isn't really that expensive. +25 Winning!!!!


Realized my poor SweetyPie Chewy has been suffering needlessly for months because I'm a bad mom. -29 Not winning


Entertained the idea of getting a student loan to cover the first three months of school until the GI Bill kicks in. -/+ If it must be done it must be done


Mom will be here in 11 days and the house is no where near clean enough. -100


Met an editor on OKCupid. I pissed him off royally, then found out that he loves Sci-Fi. Am I insane???? -1


Finally got ahead of my phone bill. +39


Decided to dump the wine. Then I drank it. What is wrong with me? Must be that insane thing again. -4


Saw a roach crawl across my television. I hate roaches, but you know what kills roaches, BLEACH and you can bet I sprayed the hell out of it. -10 for the roach +20 for having bleach on hand to kill it.


Finally saw Abraham Lincoln: Vampire Hunter +15


Hated it so much I want to vlog it. -10


This week= -37 wow that sucks ass.


Last week 93


So what's my status? 56, Meh it could be worse.

What an eventful weekend.

First off: I have been drinking. I started back a while ago and I need to be honest with you. The hardest thing for me is to be honest with  others because then it's true.


As long as no one knows what I'm doing I can still hold my head up.


Well I very much want to keep holding my head up. I have a lot to be proud of and I don't think I feel weak??? My shoulders may not be squared but my head is still up. The next few steps  might not be sure for me, but I will take them with my eyes open and for once in my life I actually have someone in my life that cares for me.


Yes I'm referring to RFKAO and yes I know he's gay, but seriously he happened to walk into my life at a very strange time and has managed to make my day brighter with every silly comment and snide remark. If it weren't for my trip to rehab I might have never met the guy.


Enough with the downers, I really needed to get that off my chest.


This weekend started with a date!  Yes I said the D word. After the fiasco with the creeper on Craig's List I figured this one might just be as bad. Stay tuned this week for that post for more on the Craig's List Creeper.


I'm hard pressed to give this guy a nick name because he already has one and if I use it, I'd feel bad. How about PersonNickNameUnknown? PNNU for short. I like him, he's sweet, very considerate, kind of an asshole, very funny, and unbelievably respectful.

RFKAO was not happy that he didn't get a chance to meet him before I left out my door. He took me to a hookah bar, and drank tea. How's that for a first date? Not bad actually, the cashier was a space cadet but other than that, it was nice. Somehow PNNU managed to get invited back to the place to watch Game of Thrones. But not before making a pit stop to the grocery store to grab ice cream.  We even got some for RFKAO and all three of us sat on my reclaimed couch and watched it.


Chewy seemed to like him, so now Chewy has made a new friend. I wish I didn't  have such a friendly dog. He likes everyone that sticks their hand out to him, the little slut.  RFKAO stepped out to smoke when the show was over, and somehow we ended up watching a movie after that. It was three AM by the time he left.


Saturday brings a night of epic drunkenness. There was a lot of hugging involved and inviting strange people to dinner on Sunday. Because this is supposed to be a serious blog (wink wink) I'm not going to get into what went down. I will say that I scared the crap out of my roomy to the point that he actually  though about getting some help. Not my proudest moment and even though it was very funny I really don't want to happen often, if ever again.


Luckily for the roomy PNNU called and kindly offered to babysit  a very drunk Ms. Townes. I woke up in the arms of a very nice man and my dog. Unharmed.  Someone was watching over me and I'm really thankful for that.


Dinner on Sunday was a chore because, one, I was recovering and the roomy wanted to make a dessert which meant I had to share my oven. One of his friend from the USMC came, as well as PNNU, and new friend we met the night before. Dinner would be followed by this dessert, I had to share my oven for. Totally worth it and it is so, going into the cook book. It was some kind of Apple Cobbler Crumble topped with a scoop of Vanilla Ice Cream. It was amazing. After the food was put away, PNNU  had to leave but pretty much said he'd come to dinner no matter who was cooking, then asked why my roomy was not married yet. I can't answer that.


We then went out to do some Karaoke, roomy and new friend ruined Dream On by Aerosmith, and a few other songs. I did Just A Girl by No Doubt and There You Go by Pink when everyone thought Pink was "Black."

I refused to be intoxicated last night. I did have some drinks but I was not in it to get drunk. I wanted to sing and that's what I did. And by the standards the folks at the bar had, I'm not half bad. Yeah my ego got stroked. That's other reason to stay sober last night. I sound awful drunk. 

The weekend was hard on both my and RFKAO's bodies, and we have volleyball tonight. I am and I am not looking forward to it.  Volleyball does not look like it is such a demanding sport but OH MY GOD, it is. It's sober fun with people who just want to play and I think that's something we both need in our lives. 

I've got the roomy blogging now. He named me Queen Bee in his (because I'm awesome), hopefully the next time he post and update I can link it here so, you can get the other side of this super roomy duo.

I'm off to put some work into chapter seven. In this chapter everyone is really tense. I like it.