The Scariness of Failure

I've been harboring some negative thinking regarding just how smart I think I am. I feel like I'm not as intelligent as I try to appear. So with that in mind I try not to challenge myself too often in an effort to not fail.

I've talked about my issues with failure before. I hate to fail, when my body limits me, I count it as a failure, my dog does something wrong, I count it as a failure. My world is shot to pieces because I didn't do something the right way. I end up not trying at all some times. In the end I never challenge my potential, and that in itself is another failure.

School is the ultimate mental test for me. I have to learn something and learn it fast. I have understand it  to a point where I can apply it and retain it. I have to do all this on someone else's schedule. Accelerated courses will do that to you. There's not much time for you or anyone for that matter to cram. The class is so short, it's really one big cram session. Every minute counts, and every word is valuable. This is pressure. This frighten me.

What if I read the wrong section? What if I do the wrong assignment? I didn't get that email. I missed the bus on the way to class. I can't fail. Failing is unacceptable. Failing is why I tried to kill myself in 2011. I'd like to say that I've grown a little from that experience, but I can't really say if I have.

I held my breath as I checked my grade for my Psychology class today. I got the email sometime last night. The grades have been posted. Logging on to the the Student Portal felt like I was walking toward my execution. The seconds it takes for the page to load, seemed like hours. I almost wanted to hold my breath while clicking the link to my class grades.

I surprisingly got an A. Wait. What? An A, after that poor showing on the mid-term? How is that possible? I must have beasted the final. I already knew what the score was on the Group Project.  I was sort of expecting the worst. I was prepared to sulk for the rest of the month and eat ice cream and cry on my sewing machine.  I guess I don't have to do that.

Thank god for Spanx.

For two weeks I've been challenging myself by attempting a sewing pattern from 1956. If I were a good and steady person I would have said I'm not ready for this challenge skill wise. But I'm not and I like to make things hard for myself.

Several weeks back a good friend of mine and fashion designer showed me an awesome tip on making clothing your size. I found this tip invaluable at the time since I ordered a skirt from Pin-Up Girl on clearance only to find out that it doesn't fit. I had the sadz until he showed me how I can copy the heck out of it and make one that does fit me.

(I could have just went on a diet.)

But being a good friend and a better teacher than youtube, my friend,  sent me on my way. I made my skirt and moved on to something straight out of MadMen. I wanna be Joannie and Peggy smashed together. Let's call her either Jeggy or Poannie. Go with Poannie.

I even posted my progress earlier as a pre-prompt for the Fictioneers Submission. It was kicking my ass then and continued to do that to me all the way to the bitter end. I wanted to toss the whole thing but the Fictioneers being super supportive of everyone who does the blog hop, encouraged me to continue.

Frankly after I realized that I'd modified every part of the dress except the collar I should have just gave up then. I figured a way around that. I decided that I want to add a pair of frogs to it but I have to wait on that I haven't been to the sewing store. Other than not having the frogs to close off the top it is a done garment.

Thank God for Spanx though because I can't even wear the darn thing without them. The dress plus the lining is so damn snug I honestly can't move much without some kind of control something underneath it. Yeah Retro dress = Retro Size. I'll have to remake this dress again. Not just because of the size issue, but because there's a quarter inch gap under my arm where the side zipper is supposed to meet the top seam.

But the Million dollar question is: Is this a wearable garment?

You tell me.

Niggling Self Doubt: When AA is your little voice

I was at Karaoke last night and I was drinking. Now me being the person I am, completely denies I have a problem with alcohol. And normally I don't feel any guilt. I go out once a week and I drink which isn't really a bad thing no matter how you look at it.

What bother's me about last night is that when the bar ran out of what I normally drink (Cider) I went for something I never drink (Tequila Sunrise). I drank two. Ask me if I felt it this morning. The answer is not really. 

What made me choose that drink? I hate tequila. Why did I drink two? Is it because I feel safe at karaoke surrounded by good friends? Is it because I was upset? I know how fast that shite works on me and yet I bull dozed my way through the china shop anyway. I didn't think.

Now me being technically a rehab failure already I have to wonder one if I ever had a problem with alcohol or am I starting to have a problem right now? Do I need to go back to AA over my choice of poison? I don't know. The shrink who helped me through my mental melt down last year suggested rehab because of the amount of intensive therapy it would offer. He said I could get better there and learn some thing about myself. It worked. Probably a little too well. By the time I left I couldn't even pass through the cold remedy isle when I got sick. All the time wondering if I ever had a moment in my life when I NEEDED booze to get through my day. Seriously no, never had that moment in my life.

Somewhere in the AA Big Book there is a part where they talk about telling someone everything they need to know and then leaving them to decide for themselves. That is the worst. It's like teaching someone how to use a gun and then telling them only in an dire emergencies can you fire this weapon. How dire does the emergency have to be?

I woke up this morning with a little cotton mouth and a tingly jaw. I didn't fall on anything so it must be residual booze still in my system. I'm not suffering, no pressing need to praise the porcelain deity in my bathroom or any unexplainable stickiness in my undies. I'm pretty good actually, miraculously good.

Knowing that Karaoke night is my one night out each week did I switch to tequila because I wanted that good buzz, or was that really the first thing on my mind? I could have choose something else. Normally I do. Now that I think about it, last week I had two shots of whiskey. I hate whiskey too.

I just have that niggling feeling of self-doubt. 

Do I have a problem? 

What Am I reading Wednesday (Saturday): Accidentally Dead Again by Dakota Cassidy

The Accidental Series is back with Wanda Marty and the resident Perma-Chip Nina. They are saddled with not one but two newly turned vampires one of which is Nina’s long lost sister.

First off let me say that the first five books were great. This one sort of feels like Ms. Dakota Cassidy and her characters are just going through the motions. Check out her other books here. They are way better.

The story line is solid though with, an under cover agent, and the appearance of Nina’s long lost sister, the reappearance of all of our other favorites and the surprise appearance of some others we’d rather do without. Even if, we’ve already done the whole sister thing with Accidentally Demonic, two books back people, check that one out, the book was kinda of a new take.

What’s new about this latest installment is obviously the FBI agent, turned after picking up a some hottie at a costume party. But we’re not judging him on his promiscuous habits with women. No way, we’re judging him on his choice in clothing. Trust me there is nothing sexier than a man in sequence. Make it day old sequence and we have a problem. Granted it was a costume party, it’s just that he then spends several days in the outfit. Poor sod.

Nina, the wonderful bowl of happy kittens, she is, gets to have a go at family. Her unknown sister (Phoebe) shows up at OOPS looking for a slumber party buddy and ends up part of the story, as she also get turned on the spot. We then get to read the many varied ways Nina and family can make Barbie more plastic. Talk about a bite in the ass. 

I could have done without a good portion of that. It all seemed sophomoric, petty and frankly over done as if  Ms. Cassidy was reaching. 

Agent Sexy Pants too comes off a little flat. Lucky for him (Sam), his current mission was supposed to be cake right? Right around the time he gets to put on him man pants, he also grows some balls and a conscience. But Phoebe fixes that since of course Sam and Phoebe are fiercely attracted to each other. Hot vampire sex, I'd rather get my ears cleaned.

Okay you know what, I’m going to stop right here. If I weren’t reviewing this book I would have left it at a “Meh, she could have done better.” I’d have been right. I’ve read the other books in the series and I was impressed with the whole concept. Chic women sort of like Sex in the City, but edgier, dealing with paranormal life altering changes and still trying to be fabulous. It was great the first five times. There is only so far you can go until the shine wears off.

Ms. Cassidy, the shine has worn off. Put OOPS and the gang to bed, there’s only so many accidents this fan can take.

NO THUMBS UP: Color me unimpressed

Sadly my voice is still shot so no video this week either. That's probably a good thing since I'm bashing this book.

Next week: All The Time In The World A Time Traveler's Story

Friday Flash Fiction: Best Hubby Ever

My blog has been neglected, if not for this Flash Fiction I think I'd have given up a while ago, having caved in to the amount of stress I make for myself. That being said I figured I'd try something mundane this week for my short. I have to say though the Fictioneers who got the jump early had some pretty great stories. 

The Best Hubby Ever

"Hurry I'm starving." Was the last thing Tracey said right before she passed out. Tracey always said that right before the booze in her system shut her down. Most nights Dave could gauge it and decide whether she'd actually eat. Judging by her snores he, climbed in bed beside her.

An hour into his bed time she woke up looking for her McFlurry.  After years of being married to Tracey he was never wrong. He put on his clothes and drove to the nearest drive through.

It's closed. Moths had settled on the window. No grease was cooking, no ice cream, no french fries, no sleep. He guessed he'd go home and cook.

When he returned home he found his wife curled up on the couch, asleep, again.

Check out the link on Facebook, or follow us on Twitter, #FridayFictioneers.

Start Rant

I know I'm not a great writer. I know that I need more training and that my book is far from finished and that I'm dragging my ass. I do the Flash Fiction on Madison Woods' blog every week in hopes that: ONE I'll create a story that will help me pull my own novel together and TWO get people to take me seriously as a writer starting out.


That said I checked my email just now. I saw a subject line saying "We get new stories every week"  I was pretty psyched. I thought it was another outlet for my other stories that sort of jumble together. Once I  have something that resembles a short story I want to submit it somewhere. I'm compelled to submit a story anywhere and everywhere.

I clicked on it already planning which story I'll tweak before I hit submit, and it's an advertisement  for a sexual servant.


Don't get me wrong I can and have written erotica. I just was not expecting that kind of let down. It's like something I read in a blog a few weeks ago. Sadly I forgot who wrote it. It read something like I love getting email or any mail that starts with I love your book. Then it turns out to be an author begging another author to not only read but BUY their book.


It is nowhere near the equivalent of that kind of let down, but I feel used. I feel tricked into thinking that I might actually gain something from this correspondence. I lost in fact, that was 8 minutes of my life I will never get back.

Screw you  sexual servant. Literally go screw yourself on something pointy. I'm busy faking like I'm a real writer and your squelchy noises are breaking my concentration.


End Rant.

This Week's Bean Counter: Diggin' the Weekly Dig

Last issue of the The Bean Counter's Score:  36




Moved into awesome apartment: +50


No one showed up to the Moving Party: -25 (Sad Face but there was nachos)


There was nacho & dip at the moving party and red juice with fruit: +15


RFKAO's car suffers a case of bad alternator disorder: -20


The car goes all pouty AFTER the move: +10


Chapter Six finally got posted somewhere on the website: +55


Invented a new gun: +10 (not really diggin' the whole "gun" thing)


RFKAO makes potato wedges that wipe out all past potato wedges made by disgruntled cooks on Naval vessels around the world: +30


Chewy snores...loud: -10


Friend Nicole sends me a YouTube video called the Masochism Tango See Here: WINNING +100


Read my renter's Insurance policy, and if Chewy dies in some freakishly odd accident his burial is not covered, but if he bites someone (highly unlikely) then the bitee is covered. Go figure!: -50


Chapter Seven is not at all what I planned in my head. SURPRISE!!!! -5

Looked for the next episode of Being Human to watch on Itunes, it was not there. After a little research me and RFKAO found out that last week's pathetically bad episode was the season finale: -150


This dysfunctional family unit had to get addicted to another show AND quickly. Found Game of Thrones, and LOVED IT: +45




Still haven't met anyone worth while to brag about, so Team Single still wins out again: -30






This week Tally: 61


Hey it's getting better!!!


Tune in late tomorrow for the Flash Fiction for this week. I managed to come up with something different. Not different as in happy or chilling or something I dug up from the recesses of my over-imaginative mind. This is something, for lack of a better word GOOEY.

Bean Counter

Yesterday's Tally: 1000
Made 16 bucks off the the change bowl in my living room +5
Re-Connected with a good friend +5
Discovered a new business opportunity +12
Paypal blatantly began censoring Smashwords' ebook sales -6
Found Paypal competitors +6
Made it to Class before Mr. Linsky (Poly-Sci Professor) +8
Recorded the whole Lecture +10
Got a metric butt ton of reading for a paper -7
Chewy pee'd on my favorite pillow -1148


Total: -108


Dammit Chewy...