Onesie: Just put 'em in one and tell him a story

Occupy got to witness a great caller I had last night.


"This is ______ how are you doing?"
"I just took my bath because I wet myself."
"Did you now?"
"uh-haaaan uh. I had to take a bath because I wet the bed."
"You did! Well are you all cleaned up now."
"Yes Ma'am." (al lot of stuttering) "Because I wet the bed."


And the conversation devolves from there.


The call last about 30 minutes. There's a lot of baby talk involved, lots of wet slobbery kisses and phone zerberts on fake tummies. Tickles and a very nice man are discussed. I even get a fake picture painted by a little kid (this kid is probably 50 years old). The point is there is an entire world created to make my caller safe enough to live out his fantasy. I'm not going to judge and I'm not going to criticize. I'll leave that for the real world.


Occupy on the other hand was slightly disturbed. I used the same voice I save for talking to Chewy on my caller through out the conversation. I even talk to Chewy while on this call because, well because Chewy was sitting right there. Chewy can't tell that I'm not talking to him.  But he's a dog, Occupy, a full grown human, can understand that my caller just decided that he wants to wear a onesie.


Not just any onesie, not I'm talking the onesie you put on little babies the one with the snaps at the crotch. These are the ones that have extra spacing to accommodate a super bulky diaper. Then it's pink like cotton candy pink with little sheep on it.


We go the process of putting said onesie on and my caller is over the moon about it. We go through each little snap and I even play with his feet a little. Like I said I make an entire world, and he thanks me profusely when he hangs up.




I asked Occupy what he thought about my job. if you can imagine deadpan, think of the most dead pan person you know and say, "well my horizon's been broadened." I asked if his concept of sexuality has been expanded by listening to my calls, and I got another dead pan yes. Then I asked him if he had any favorites. For this he got super animated, then he said the coke head.


Let me explain the coke head (very briefly). A few days ago I got a caller who asked me if I liked to party. Like any good phone wh*re I said yes. He then offered me coke over the phone and told me to say I'm a c*ck  s&*king coke sl$t, over and over again. All while snorting the stuff on the phone while he talked.


Occupy took my dog for a walk, came back, nodded off to a nap, woke up read some email, and I was still on the phone. Three hours later I'm still saying variations of the I'm a coke wh*re. That was a test of my endurance. My calls never last that long, usually 20-60 minutes. Calls that long are a rarity for me and even though that was a metric butt ton of money I made I'm kind of hoping to never get that call again.


Lets be honest, I'm not really comfortable telling someone to pollute themselves with poison. I'm a recovering alkie remember. Stuff like this more than concerns me. But it is the nature of my job, and like most jobs there comes a time when your bills and rent outweigh your conscious.


After we laughed about that call he asked me what happened to the kid from the other night:


"What kid?"
"The one you baby talked to for like 20 minutes."
"That wasn't a kid."
"Seriously?"
"Yeah."
"So what did you do?"
"I put him in his onesie, told him a story, gave him a wet sloppy kiss and said good night."
"Seriously?"
"YEAH, Seriously."


Girl six signing out...