Thursday, October 18, 2012

My Own Worst Enemy

Today I'm going to talk about what an absolute fail I am at life as an up and coming something. When I got out the Navy I was upbeat optimistic and honestly terrified at the prospect of starting over again. I was dealing with the fact that I had accepted that I am an alcoholic and also that I'm mentally not stable.  I was trying really hard to overcome all the things that made me slip so easily into that dark place that made me want to take my life.

I wish I could say to everyone that I've overcome all of that. Instead I've given up. I want to live, I'm not ready or willing to go down that path so easily, I'm just done trying to pretend that I can beat myself. I don't want to win, I don't even know what the competition is about.  I'm never going to school, I can't find a job, I'm no writer, I'm no book reviewer. I am a failure. It's time I stop pretending to be something I'm not.

I have no friends, I sit in my apartment, everyday. I'm not productive, I don't read, I don't write, I don't exercise. I made a cake to other day that was to say the least interesting. I ate the whole thing then cried about how fat I'm getting. I'm destroying myself, I'm rotting away inside and out. I don't want to see anyone because I'm too embarrassed at how disgusting a human creature I've become.

I stop caring about my future and I don't even have a lame excuse to fall back on. I normally say that I need to get back on my meds. Lets face it darlings, I've been off my medicine since forever. And there's no one else to blame for that but me. My last appointment was scheduled for Monday. I didn't go. There were "people" outside my door coming to get me. 

I can't face reality certain days. But I can function when it matters to me, like getting to the bar. I complain to the people I hang with at the bar, who BTW aren't my friends, about never getting laid. It's not because I hang out at gay bars. It's because I don't feel sexy. I don't feel safe and I don't want people getting close enough to me to see what a mess I am. I'm embarrassed of myself, I'm sure I've said that already.

I'm outright embarrassed about the person that's left. The talent vacated the premise a while ago and there's nothing left worth saving. I'm a sad clown. This isn't a rut, this isn't temporary, this is me. I will never aspire to be anything other than washed up. 

I am the waste of space I talk so lowly about. The only thing that separates me from the welfare biddies every republican complains about is my outright refusal to procreate. I'm black, obese, a woman, uneducated, lazy, and dependent on others to allow me to survive. I'm everything I hate and completely unwilling to change.

Did I mention I'm embarrassed to be me?

I am my own worst enemy because I hate myself but I'm too lazy and scared to rise above that. There's help out there for people like me. I just need to ask. But I'd rather take the slow spiral downward into faceless, windowless anonymity so that when I get there I can cry that everyone left and I can play the victim. God I hate myself. And from the looks of this hairdo it shows.

1 comment:

  1. You are cute young lady and I love to read what you write.
    I've been in withdrawal and I just started to walk outside, my body is so heavy now and almost all clothes are too tight, which makes me feel so sad...I was stuck in the narrow space out of my window when I was cleaning.(Japanese apartment is like a rabbit cage.)
    Anyway, I will walk tomorrow again.


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