My Own Worst Enemy

Today I'm going to talk about what an absolute fail I am at life as an up and coming something. When I got out the Navy I was upbeat optimistic and honestly terrified at the prospect of starting over again. I was dealing with the fact that I had accepted that I am an alcoholic and also that I'm mentally not stable.  I was trying really hard to overcome all the things that made me slip so easily into that dark place that made me want to take my life.

I wish I could say to everyone that I've overcome all of that. Instead I've given up. I want to live, I'm not ready or willing to go down that path so easily, I'm just done trying to pretend that I can beat myself. I don't want to win, I don't even know what the competition is about.  I'm never going to school, I can't find a job, I'm no writer, I'm no book reviewer. I am a failure. It's time I stop pretending to be something I'm not.

I have no friends, I sit in my apartment, everyday. I'm not productive, I don't read, I don't write, I don't exercise. I made a cake to other day that was to say the least interesting. I ate the whole thing then cried about how fat I'm getting. I'm destroying myself, I'm rotting away inside and out. I don't want to see anyone because I'm too embarrassed at how disgusting a human creature I've become.

I stop caring about my future and I don't even have a lame excuse to fall back on. I normally say that I need to get back on my meds. Lets face it darlings, I've been off my medicine since forever. And there's no one else to blame for that but me. My last appointment was scheduled for Monday. I didn't go. There were "people" outside my door coming to get me. 

I can't face reality certain days. But I can function when it matters to me, like getting to the bar. I complain to the people I hang with at the bar, who BTW aren't my friends, about never getting laid. It's not because I hang out at gay bars. It's because I don't feel sexy. I don't feel safe and I don't want people getting close enough to me to see what a mess I am. I'm embarrassed of myself, I'm sure I've said that already.

I'm outright embarrassed about the person that's left. The talent vacated the premise a while ago and there's nothing left worth saving. I'm a sad clown. This isn't a rut, this isn't temporary, this is me. I will never aspire to be anything other than washed up. 

I am the waste of space I talk so lowly about. The only thing that separates me from the welfare biddies every republican complains about is my outright refusal to procreate. I'm black, obese, a woman, uneducated, lazy, and dependent on others to allow me to survive. I'm everything I hate and completely unwilling to change.

Did I mention I'm embarrassed to be me?

I am my own worst enemy because I hate myself but I'm too lazy and scared to rise above that. There's help out there for people like me. I just need to ask. But I'd rather take the slow spiral downward into faceless, windowless anonymity so that when I get there I can cry that everyone left and I can play the victim. God I hate myself. And from the looks of this hairdo it shows.

Political Science: The Drop. Sad Face...

Well guys I'm going to have to admit defeat on this here. I clearly was not ready to take on the extra pressure of taking Political Science. I really want to say because it was hard, but that's not the reason.


Let's be honest folks I hate leaving my home. I hate leaving my home so much that I haven't been back to the VA to pick up the meds I so desperately need to be on.  I hate leaving my home so much that I haven't been t Volleyball, even though I love to play it. Nor have I been out since I went to the concert two weeks ago. I just outright hate it. Walking Chewy is my only willing break.


If I was lazy about Poly Sci I would not feel so bad. If I had money to burn I would not feel bad. If I already had my degree I would definitely not feel bad. But none of those thing are a factor. Fear and the sense of being over whelmed have gotten the best of me.


So the new plan is: Get more proficient at this hustle. Manage my time a lot better. Train the dog. Reestablish contact with the VA so I can get back on my meds. Begin to be a functional human being again. 


I admit that I'm not playing with a full deck. I realized this about a month ago and continued to put it off. It's kind of part of my sickness: to pretend that I'm okay. Really I'm not okay. And truth be told I haven't been able to write anything good since the meds wore off.


I've said it before. It sucks to know that I'll be on medicine for the rest of my life just to function. I should be okay with this since I have been taking medication for Migraines since I was 8. My pride has been injured most because it's not just Migraine medication anymore, and it's not just pills. It's AA, it's therapy, it's everything I abhor just because I can't be left alone. And the less I take care of these things, the further away from my goals I move.


Political Science was a fun and engaging class. My teacher clearly had enthusiasm for his topics every day. I wanted to be there. I wanted to write the papers if only to better my language skills. I just seemed to stay right on the outside of ready for this kind of pressure. Before I freak out and call this a failure, get all emotional and start thinking negative, I need to step back and examine why.


I've done that to the best of my abilities and I came to the conclusion that I can't in all fairness do right by myself with this class unless I handle the immediate needs first. Improve my financial situation, get back on my medications, train the dog because the alternative is killing the little guy and establish a better routine so my plan of attack isn't rushed unorganized and holy.

I think I should make this a list. 

Introvert... Going Nuts

Sometimes I wonder if I try not to leave my house because I'm afraid to go out there? If somehow in all my travels I've just become a shut in- I can come up with any excuse to not leave my house. I can't go out with such and such because I want to drink with them and I can't. It's after sunset and I don't want to be outside after dark. I don't have any money. What if someone robs me while I'm gone?

With Chewy here now I have a great reason to not leave the house. He's not trained yet and I don't want him to freak out if I'm gone too long.

The big question is: When did I become so afraid?

I'm from a major city, I've traveled in and out the Navy, I'm a notorious wanderer in my family, I'm brave enough to write a book, and go to school, but if I have to leave my house for anything, I loose my nerve.

Seriously I actually want to cry about it. Over the years I've noticed more and more how reclusive I've become. I wonder if this is part of my depression? Am I just being lazy? I'm scared and I don't know why.

Maybe I ran out of meds and this is me normally?

Regardless, this is about half of what I felt the day I tried to kill myself. I'm more afraid than ever now that  I might get worse. I'm in a new city with no friends. If I never leave my home who will notice that I'm not there anymore?

Scary this being off the meds. My goals don't even motivate me like they did before. You know why chapter six is still a mess? Because I can't stay focused enough figure out what to do.

If you're reading this and you're freaking out, good. Cause' so am I.

I think I need to find some yoga or some type of meditation on Youtube. Maybe after I center my Chakras, I'll write something that doesn't raise every flag in the bag.