Saturday, January 28, 2012

Introvert... Going Nuts

Sometimes I wonder if I try not to leave my house because I'm afraid to go out there? If somehow in all my travels I've just become a shut in- I can come up with any excuse to not leave my house. I can't go out with such and such because I want to drink with them and I can't. It's after sunset and I don't want to be outside after dark. I don't have any money. What if someone robs me while I'm gone?

With Chewy here now I have a great reason to not leave the house. He's not trained yet and I don't want him to freak out if I'm gone too long.

The big question is: When did I become so afraid?

I'm from a major city, I've traveled in and out the Navy, I'm a notorious wanderer in my family, I'm brave enough to write a book, and go to school, but if I have to leave my house for anything, I loose my nerve.

Seriously I actually want to cry about it. Over the years I've noticed more and more how reclusive I've become. I wonder if this is part of my depression? Am I just being lazy? I'm scared and I don't know why.

Maybe I ran out of meds and this is me normally?

Regardless, this is about half of what I felt the day I tried to kill myself. I'm more afraid than ever now that  I might get worse. I'm in a new city with no friends. If I never leave my home who will notice that I'm not there anymore?

Scary this being off the meds. My goals don't even motivate me like they did before. You know why chapter six is still a mess? Because I can't stay focused enough figure out what to do.

If you're reading this and you're freaking out, good. Cause' so am I.

I think I need to find some yoga or some type of meditation on Youtube. Maybe after I center my Chakras, I'll write something that doesn't raise every flag in the bag.


  1. Yoga sounds great.
    Moving body and empty mind, letting go the thoughts good and bad, is cool.

    If I had good boyfriends, pc dude, yoga instructor, and who yells at me to go out of the house, my life would be different...

  2. Just getting out the house is good sometimes Tae.


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