I found myself...

I read a book. No, I ATE a book today. Instead of sitting at the computer forcing myself to write something that wasn't going to come easy, I decided to tackle my pile of books. Kresely Cole's book Shadow's Claim had been burning a whole in the ottoman I tossed it on since it arrived.

I cracked it open and pretty much didn't put it down. What can I say, it was a good story. I wonder if I'll ever get tired of the series? I hope not. But I'm not blogging right now to do a review. 

Though I probably should since I've read like a bunch of books.

What happened after I put the book down was something short of amazing. I sat at my computer and began writing! I was pretty happy until I looked at my ceiling and smiled. Next thing I know a half hour had passed and I'd typed nothing. 

Drugs are bad m'kay...

Who knew the ceiling could be so fascinating? I blame the meds. Which begs me to question: Do people space out like I just did or are my prescriptions messing with my focus? Most likely a little bit of both in my case.

Anyway I'm going to attempt to return to The new God and see how I make out. Let's hope that I keep my eye forward and not let them get fascinated my the cracked paint above me.

A quick reminder that I'm not well

The VA contacted me recently by snail mail and told me that my claim for disability was under review. Well that's just peachy. Then I got a letter stating that I'd have a bunch of appointments to verify if I am in fact in need eligible. Understandable. What I had not prepared for is the trip to that particular office.

I am pretty much afraid to leave my house somedays. Brings out my completely illogical fears of being unable to make it back to my home. Despite my constant search for a job I really dread going to them because I don't like getting lost. I swear by Google Maps. If I find a place to be inaccessible I'm not going there. So you can imagine my freakishly out of proportion reaction to getting lost on the way to my first appointment.

First off there were at least four ways of getting to this location by bus. I left with plenty of time to make it there and I even choose the best route (the one with the least amount of connections). I left at nine for an eleven AM meeting. The traffic was fairly light and I'm expecting this to be an easy trip.

What I did not plan for is the grossly inaccurate distance I had to walk. Normally I like walking, just not on the side of the road. I also like nature too, not up close and personal like the snake I encountered on said side of the road. The same goes for the mud I slipped in or that soccer mom that almost rolled over me.

Like any person with anxiety issues I panicked. While the road continued the buildings became more sparse and then completely disappeared. I found myself on an empty road with woods around me, highway flowers, a big ass snake and those huge red ant you only read about in National Geographic Magazines. Looking at my watch I saw that I was late and I feared that if I missed this appointment I'd be automatically disqualified. I'm not going to say I don't need the money. I had to make this meeting and walking down a road that seemed to go on forever without any signs of civilization scared the shit out of me.

I became this sniveling hysterical creature I haven't seen in ages, inconsolable, begging for help that wasn't there and desperately wanting to go home. I really had no choice but to keep walking. So I walked and cried, imagining my body being eaten by carrion birds. I pictured my dog slowly baking to death in my empty apartment. No one would come looking for me because I'd managed to alienate everyone local because of my reclusive tendencies. I'd sort of die on this empty road.

When I finally found the building out in the middle of nowhere I was too tired to even be happy that I arrived. I wanted to go home. I didn't feel safe even if I manage to get back to civilization. I didn't want all these people staring at me. I was covered in mud, there was a snake, I was late, I failed to help myself and now everyone knew it.

Someone took pity on me and I was able to meet with the person assigned to assess me. She was coincidently the person there to my mental health. How oddly convenient. She asked me how have I handled my anxiety, then answer for me because I was still upset. It went something like, I have changed my behavior so much to avoid situations where my anxiety will be triggered.

Well there is a way to look at that. I wonder if that's what she wrote down? After my morning the day pretty much went smoothly. I made my next appointment and even donated plasma today. I am pretty tired and my legs hurt. I am glad to be home though. Things make so much sense here. The noise outside is sort of comforting. Even the chickens are welcome to me right now.

Things That should Never Happen in the Same 48 Hours

Taken from IMdB

The last two days have been rather interesting for me. They may not be very significant to you or anyone else but I think they should not have occurred while I was aware. We could call them a Series of Unfortunate Events. Or we could just say the last 48 hours and be done with them.

Let's start with 12/12/12 and the over abundance of Facebook messages stating that the end of the world was at hand. Come on people, if the End was at hand do you think I'd have time to troll Facebook? Negative Ghost Rider, I'd be screaming bloody murder and huddling in a corner with my dog. Fact: I really would be huddling with my dog because, what else would I be doing?

Speaking of dogs, right before I headed out with my Best Friend to do some serious grocery shopping, some ass clown hit one outside my house. Anyone who follows me on Google+, Twitter or the infamous Facebook will know that there is more than a slight problem with the stray dogs in my neighborhood. There's also something with everyone owning chickens and roosters but that's another issue all together. 

A dog that looked to be some Malti-Poo or Bichon Frise mix was hit in front of my apartment the other night and Animal Control had to be called. I'm sort of familiar with this little one so I was pretty sad that it was now suffering. My neighbor an Army Medic, assessed it and pretty much listed it's injuries as: a shattered pelvis, one broken leg, a couple cracked ribs, one or two head injuries, possibly some internal bleeding. The driver never even stopped. 

What pissed me off is that the owner of the dog arrived right around the time Animal Control did. They said that the dog "Toby" escapes every time they leave the house. Are we serious? You know this is going to happen and yet you do nothing to prevent it? We were very angry over that statement and did not feel bad when Animal Control offered to euthanized Toby right there on the spot. The four of us (my two neighbors, my BF and myself) felt that Toby's owners were beyond irresponsible.

The next day finds me stuck in the house all day trying out my new medicine. It makes me so sleepy that I miss a super important call regarding a job interview, another super important call regarding the guy who stole my check back in June and my appointment to donate plasma. Anxiety medicine is supposed to calm me down, not put me out. Now, awake at 2:30 in the morning, the earth began to shake.

Which brings me to, this morning Earthquakes, yes I said quakes as in plural, meaning more than one. In fact, there were two somewhere off the coast that were 6.1 and 6.4 in magnitude. Nothing could make me more homesick for Japan than an earthquake. But not this time and of course since no one would be awake at 2:36 am I figured it was safe to get on Facebook and post about it. I was wrong there were a few and from them, I learned that San Onofre was built to only withstand a magnitude of 7.0 Earthquake. Great, what in the world is San Onofre? 

From Wikipedia

San Onofre Nuclear Generating Station. I looked it up. Methinks back to March 2011 when the Plant in Tomadachi, Japan went into melt down. All hell is breaking loose in my brain. Good thing I'm on the worlds greatest anxiety drug, I can sleep right through it. Which is exactly what I do after reading all about how jacked up San Onofre is on Wikipedia. Hey, the meds throw me off...

Which is why at roughly 12:45 this afternoon I wake up again to Facebook all atwitter with people saying how saddened they are by what happened in Connecticut. What happened in CT? My dad lives there and I'm a little concerned.

Well I'm sure you know now that someone open fired at a school killing defenseless people, mostly children under the age of ten. This is very bad, but whats worse is the fact that the media is glamorizing it. I'm not going to talk about the gunman, or the President's reaction or putting our nation's flag at half mast. I'm not going to contribute to the hysteria surrounding this terrible event. I'm going to say it is a sad day, a terribly sad day and keep moving. And here's why:

Right here is where I'm supposed to have a youtube video about why 24 hours of constant coverage about a mass killer only glorifies the gunman into some kind of antihero. The video I wanted to play here is not loading so sorry kiddies no youtube insight here.

My day is not ever and I know that something somewhere will make this day even more perplexing. Ah yes... Okcupid.com is doing a 12 matches of Christmas thing. Whatever happened to just enjoying the Holidays because it's the Holiday's????

Teaser for Wednesday / Call the Cops-and the Post Office

It is my greatest pleasure to say that this Wednesday I am going to review Gini Koch's latest book in the Kitty Katt Series Alien Diplomacy. While this weekend I struggled with a weekend edition on dating and failed miserably, I did finish her book and got to ponder it at leisure.


Then comes Monday and with that the start of my next book for next Wednesday. Trust me anything after Gini Koch better be dam good. Thanks to Madison Woods' facebook page I find this written by Ms. Koch herself, in Science Fiction Daily, about why her science fiction is so freaking awesome. Because it's funny. FACT


She makes a valid point and then sells you on one her other series to the point that I really want to go clear a section of me already cluttered book shelf just for her. Lord help me I might have to get another shelf.






Call the Cops -and the Post Office


Kiddies this weekend while I was home alone the whole weekend (yeah that's bad) some jacktard decided to wash a check of mine and attempt to cash it. Lucky me or unlucky how ever you want to look at it, I'm broke. He re-wrote it for $675 I don't have that in my account. I have like $40. It of course bounced.


I tried to figure out how this happened and came up with mail box tampering. Thanks to my friends and their expert level skill on Google, we found the guy. I have his facebook and myspace page, I know what high school the guy goes to. I've manage to prepare a packet for whom ever decides to actually investigate. But here I should share with you how this made me really feel.

I'm pretty butt hurt about that. Frankly I feel that it's appropriate. I could be wrong though.


So I took the following actions: I called the bank, the Post office my Uncle Jack, the Police, the big three credit bureaus, the police again, the bank again, my brother Darryl, my brother Dana, the Post Office again, Dad to wish him happy birthday and finally Mom.


There are a billion things I could have done this weekend but this gross violation of privacy took front and center so I had to deal with that.


What I want to know is: Who steals from poor Veterans on meds? Seriously, the check was for meds, I need those. Have you seen me off my meds? It's not pretty. And I tell you what this guy should be scared if I go up there to get my refill and I can't get them. I might jut blow my top.


What I keep hearing from the parties not associated but still concerned is that the Post Office will probably be the ones to catch the guy as opposed to the Police. That does not bode well with me. My parents were both at one time Police Officers. I'm pretty cool with the ones I have to deal with and it looks bad to me that another agency might get all the glory on this.


But what can I do but keep my information organized and give copies to both.




I think I'll go start my next book Abraham Lincoln Vampire Hunter. Don't forget to check back on Wednesday for Gini Koch's review.

Friday Fiction Photo Prompt/ The Bean Counter

Here's the Prompt this week for Friday Fictioneers. Yes, yes it's Thursday and I'm sure I'm slacking this week. Work has been a beast this and RFKAO has a new job that's disturbing my routine. I've gotten so used to him being around that I'm pretty much bummed out when he's gone.


If I wasn't such a commitment phobe I think I'd go out and find a man to take up my time. Instead I'll just get used to this new thing and do what I do best. As soon as I figure out what that is...

Tha'ss puurddy...




And now on to the Bean Counter:


Last Bean Counter tally: 62 Not very promising.


That I missed a week of the Bean Counter: -20


Donna Summer dies at 63 of cancer: - 50


RFKAO has no idea who that is: -40


Adam from the Beastie Boys also passed away: -35


RFKAO once again didn't know who that was: -25


The rent got paid: +100


Chewy hates his new food so much that he's not eating it: -25


We have food we can substitute so he's not starving: +15


Unpacked the last box from two moves, Japan to states, then from tiny place to this one: +45


Met a guy named Richard on my walk the other day who has three dogs and wants to plan play dates with Chewy. Richard's Pit Bull is theee sweetest thing on four legs, as long as you let him chew on his ball: +12


RFKAO listened to me have a conversation with my brother where my Boston accent  came out so thick he almost couldn't understand it: -10


RFKAO started a game of Punch Buggy and I won by two: +21


My GI Bill paperwork was approved so I'm going to school in the fall: +41


Since the paper work is approved I have to make a trip over to the college to start my registration: -19 no no like waiting in line.


Ran out of meds again, and now I see things that aren't there: -67


I'm not freaking out over the things that aren't there, I just know that there not there: +11 hey what ever works.


We almost died on the 805 over the weekend because noon time drivers are insane: - 41 messes with my anxiety.

Sang I Will Survive at Karaoke on Sunday with a soar throat and still did a fabulous job: +50


Thanks to over paying the gas and electric bill last month the bill this month is $-1.00: +10


RFKAO randomly tells straight guys I'm single I'm not sure if that is a bad or a good thing: +/-0


Home girl in Japan not only gave birth to an unbelievably beautiful little girl, but she actually found time to buy me some Dydo Juice while she was at it. What a super mom she'll be: +35




This Bean Counter tally: 69. 69! Meh, it could be worse.




Stay tuned for the Flash Fiction shortie coming first thing in the morning. JOin in the blog hop over on the new Facebook page. Follow us on Twitter #FridayFictioneers and to get the rules check out the blog over at Madison Woods' page.

Political Science: The Drop. Sad Face...

Well guys I'm going to have to admit defeat on this here. I clearly was not ready to take on the extra pressure of taking Political Science. I really want to say because it was hard, but that's not the reason.


Let's be honest folks I hate leaving my home. I hate leaving my home so much that I haven't been back to the VA to pick up the meds I so desperately need to be on.  I hate leaving my home so much that I haven't been t Volleyball, even though I love to play it. Nor have I been out since I went to the concert two weeks ago. I just outright hate it. Walking Chewy is my only willing break.


If I was lazy about Poly Sci I would not feel so bad. If I had money to burn I would not feel bad. If I already had my degree I would definitely not feel bad. But none of those thing are a factor. Fear and the sense of being over whelmed have gotten the best of me.


So the new plan is: Get more proficient at this hustle. Manage my time a lot better. Train the dog. Reestablish contact with the VA so I can get back on my meds. Begin to be a functional human being again. 


I admit that I'm not playing with a full deck. I realized this about a month ago and continued to put it off. It's kind of part of my sickness: to pretend that I'm okay. Really I'm not okay. And truth be told I haven't been able to write anything good since the meds wore off.


I've said it before. It sucks to know that I'll be on medicine for the rest of my life just to function. I should be okay with this since I have been taking medication for Migraines since I was 8. My pride has been injured most because it's not just Migraine medication anymore, and it's not just pills. It's AA, it's therapy, it's everything I abhor just because I can't be left alone. And the less I take care of these things, the further away from my goals I move.


Political Science was a fun and engaging class. My teacher clearly had enthusiasm for his topics every day. I wanted to be there. I wanted to write the papers if only to better my language skills. I just seemed to stay right on the outside of ready for this kind of pressure. Before I freak out and call this a failure, get all emotional and start thinking negative, I need to step back and examine why.


I've done that to the best of my abilities and I came to the conclusion that I can't in all fairness do right by myself with this class unless I handle the immediate needs first. Improve my financial situation, get back on my medications, train the dog because the alternative is killing the little guy and establish a better routine so my plan of attack isn't rushed unorganized and holy.

I think I should make this a list. 

Introvert... Going Nuts

Sometimes I wonder if I try not to leave my house because I'm afraid to go out there? If somehow in all my travels I've just become a shut in- I can come up with any excuse to not leave my house. I can't go out with such and such because I want to drink with them and I can't. It's after sunset and I don't want to be outside after dark. I don't have any money. What if someone robs me while I'm gone?

With Chewy here now I have a great reason to not leave the house. He's not trained yet and I don't want him to freak out if I'm gone too long.

The big question is: When did I become so afraid?

I'm from a major city, I've traveled in and out the Navy, I'm a notorious wanderer in my family, I'm brave enough to write a book, and go to school, but if I have to leave my house for anything, I loose my nerve.

Seriously I actually want to cry about it. Over the years I've noticed more and more how reclusive I've become. I wonder if this is part of my depression? Am I just being lazy? I'm scared and I don't know why.

Maybe I ran out of meds and this is me normally?

Regardless, this is about half of what I felt the day I tried to kill myself. I'm more afraid than ever now that  I might get worse. I'm in a new city with no friends. If I never leave my home who will notice that I'm not there anymore?

Scary this being off the meds. My goals don't even motivate me like they did before. You know why chapter six is still a mess? Because I can't stay focused enough figure out what to do.

If you're reading this and you're freaking out, good. Cause' so am I.

I think I need to find some yoga or some type of meditation on Youtube. Maybe after I center my Chakras, I'll write something that doesn't raise every flag in the bag.

8 Ways to get a date/Shaky hands

My hand shakes, call me paranoid but they never used to shake. I wonder what that means in the long run, other than ruling out a career as a world renown plastic surgeon. So I attribute this to one of my many problems. A) It could be a symptom of my ever present anxiety. B) I now have the shakes due to my recent commitment to sobriety. Or C) I have Parkinson's or some other shaking people's disease.

Maybe it's just the Meds…

And because everything on the Internet must be true, sure enough it's the meds. Good Job Watson, go pat yourself on the back.

Knowing this is not something that will bring the guys running to my door step, I tried to think of things that would.  Because I've been told everyday for the last 5 1/2 years have a plan, I made a list!!!!

Lists are cool!!! All the kids are doing it.

1. Smile- people who have actually spent some time with Ms. Townes will tell you that Ms.Townes does not smile. I have nothing against smiling, mind you, I just don't. This would make me more approachable.

2. Fake like I'm not from Boston, Ma. - I'm a Bostonian, no amount of world travel will change that. The only place natural Bostonian instincts are acceptable is Boston. We are a rude bunch, worse than New Yorkers. A little Southern Hospitality is needed here.

3. Never go outside with out some kind of make up on- (this was suggested by someone who actually wears make-up) My mother, you gotta love her does not get out her car unless she has on lipstick.  She has bad luck if she forgets. Call me crazy but I have seen this happen. For me I'll make this exception. Chapstick is make-up…COME ON!!!!!

4. Make eye contact- Don't stare, but don't pretend that you don't see anyone either. 

5. Be enthusiastic- You have a passion, express it. Mine is writing, old movies from the 80's, tattoos, beaches, playing volleyball, music… Get the point? 

6. Read the news- I know I am guilty for being completely oblivious  of what's going on in the world. Planet Tia may be a cool place to hang but the real world is where it's at.

7. Be open minded-  So what , homegirl, is wearing sandals from 2009 in the middle of winter. That's her thing. Leave her be. Try not to make a face, some one might confuse it for not smiling.

*****8. Stop pre-judging- Waving the guilty flag again. It's very easy to base an opinion just be the first impression. We are all taught to make a good first impression. The problem with wanting to make a first impression is that the first impression isn't always the best impression.

Some would say that my list is all cosmetic or superficial. And they would be right. But the great thing about this list is that it doesn't take much time to do, AND it leads to the more important things like actually getting a date.