What Am I Reading Wednesday - Fifty Shades Freed by E.L. James

What do we know about Trilogies? Well Screams Randy says all bets are off for everyone including the main character. So I kept that in mind when I tucked into the last book in the Fifty Shades. Randy also said: There will be unexpected back story, villains that need to be decapitated and cryogenically frozen to kill, and past that comes up and bite you in the ass.

Well lookie here this book fits all that in some way shape or form. 

E.L. picks up several weeks into freshly married Grey’s honeymoon around Europe. The honey moon serves no point in this book but to put both of them as far away from danger as humanly possible while some freak of nature sets fire to something inside Grey Enterprises. Also to have more “kinky fuckery” her words not mine.

From the get go this book is unbelievably sloppy. There were inconsistencies in language, more and more I can not overlook the amount of Britishness these American characters seem to posses. My personal pet peeve is yar. What the fuck is a yar? Are we pirates?

Granted I used yargh this past Friday in my Flash Fictioneer submission, but there really were pirates in it. Yar and it’s unknown meaning was used at least twice. This slip of local UK colloquial into and American book is unacceptable. Regular natives don’t talk like that. Nor do we call each other arse.

The story itself hmm what can I say to salvage this? Well Ana is still trying to get on solid ground with Christian the soulless ginger. He’s still his usual overbearing self, making bad decisions that end up making him regret not being open with Ana. I think I died a little every time Ana said please don’t be mad at me. By the time she grows a back bone, I stopped caring if either of them were mad.

So back to Randy and his rules for Trilogies. It does tie up all loose ends when the source of some of the new couples issues is caught not once but twice because the first time wasn’t good enough. We see the brief and satisfying return of Elena for all of five minutes right after a crazy pivotal moment. And the Soulless Ginger kindly decided to open up enough and give Ana a bone by delving into his past. And we even get to return to the beginning when the couple stays at the same hotel where they combed over the contract in book one.

What I do like about this last book and there isn’t much, is the time warp she has going on. She jumps back to recall certain things and at the end she even jumps forward. Of course the future is so sugary sweet I wanted to gag, but the romantic in me wanted to sigh. That is until Ms. James ruined it with an image of a very pregnant Ana trussed up on a rack and being pleasured. I know it happens James, but did you have to  go there? I don’t think so.  I’m screaming vivid mental picture and not in a happy way. That part actually made me cringe a little. It lacked taste some how by sullying the sappy goodness of the future Grey family.

I also liked that there is an over site built right into the story leading up a rather explosive scene in the book where Christian walks out. It was so subtle that I think E.L. James might not have seen it if she wasn’t paying attention herself. It was there just waiting to be notice and good for her to have caught it and capitalized on it at the end.

I give this book Fifty Shades Freed one thumb only because it does what it’s supposed to do by ending the story. It is not executed well at all and frankly I can no longer say that this is a good read. 

I’m glad it’s over it was a nice story if you remove all the extra fluff but really not meant to be enjoyed by someone over the age of 20 even if the content is racey.

I congratulate you Ms. James on making such a sensational book how ever I hope that until you learn to write better, don’t type anything else.

That was pretty harsh wasn’t it. Oh well.

The Spice Girls...

I liked the Spice Girls, I was all about them when they came out. I even had a pair of moon shoes, because they looked cool on Baby Spice. Those things weighed a ton but I wore them proudly. I had their  albums, and watched their movie, I even saw a few of their concerts on TV. I was totally all about them.

I loved the Spice Girls. That was until I saw a poster of them taped to the ceiling in my first real boyfriend's bedroom. It was right above his bed. At first I was cool about it, well I like them too, but then as I spent nights over there, I started to resent them.

I didn't have the dirty mind that I do now, so I wasn't able to make smarmy jokes back then. I was Jealous of them. When I wasn't there with him (Let's call him Tito, that's as close as I can get without telling on him) they were watching him. When I was there with him, they were watching us.

Nights when he would fall immediately asleep instead of talking to me, I'd stare at them. Because I was and in some ways still a little insecure, I wondered who else get to stare at them. I wasn't feeling my girl power during those moments.

Eventually I stopped going over there to spend the night. Slowly but surely I just stopped going to see him all together. A few years later I happened to see him in town. My now 22 year old self was way more worldly that my 17 year old self so seeing him was just another day. After the exchange of pleasantries, and him giving me a ride to the nearest train station we agreed to a meal.

Dinner with an old flame is always interesting. You get to compare who's doing better since you broke up. Or you get to examine why you two broke in the first place. Or you can do what I did and asked the $20,000 question: So do you still have the Spice Girls taped to your ceiling?

He says, no, then he says something that made me feel so special. "I took them down after I realized you weren't coming back. They reminded me too much of you." My then 22 year old self said aawwww, so sweet. My now 32 year old self just rolls my eyes and shakes my head. I can't believe I fell for that.

He missed me is what he said then. If he was to say that to me now, I'd feel a little insulted. If he really  missed me the poster should have stayed up. As dinner progressed he told me how I broke his heart and that he still had my picture on his mirror. I realized that he still loved me. My confidence shot through the roof. The only problem was I wasn't sure what love was.  I did know I never felt anything close to it for him. Not in 1997 or in 2001 or in 2004 when I once again saw him in town.

For Boston being so small (so says New York) it's amazing how one could never see someone for years and still be a few blocks apart. It's easy to get lost in it, lost in your own life. I began to wonder if I have ever allowed myself to love. Clearly he held a torch burning for me for a while, but was it ever mutual? Things with Tito came to a screeching halt the last time we talked. I finally admitted that I never loved him. That's not something anyone wants to hear. I don't recommend saying it over the phone.

On Facebook today a guy mentioned the Spice Girls, which brought me to today's blog topic. I'm not going to say that they ruined my first relationship, because they didn't. I'm just going to say that  I wasn't feeling them as much I used to.

UUUUmmmmm SOOO Gooood, yeah

I'm on the brink of something people. The last days of the Navy are coming and coming fast. I've almost secured the apartment I want in San Diego, I'm pretty sure I'll get there just in time to start school this semester and I just finished Chapter 4. Life could not possibly get better.

Oh yes it can...

What's missing from this idyllic situation is a job. So I took a little time out of life to look and I have found it people. You may now call me Girl 6. My name is Lovely, Lovely Number 6. You guessed it, I have joined the many mom's of America who moonlight as phone sex operators.

Truth be told I've done this before. Like ten years ago when I lived in Florida. It was a great job except for the fact that I never left my house. I think that was such an eye opener for me, not the never leaving my house, no I'm talking about learning other people's kink.

I'm not name calling on this one but I want to. Only out of respect for the industry will I not poke fun. However, comma, I will say that people are truly special in their own unique way. Once you figure that out you sort of forget that on the opposite end of the call is someone in some state of undress.

How do you figure that out? Well in this business, the customer will tell you, in freakishly vivid detail. This isn't a people get a dog moment though. Most of the folks that call these lines are in secure relationships. To them this is safer than going out and actually straying from the bond they have with their significant others.

Like every person, a fantasy is just as unique. The goal of a phone sex operator, is to give voice to that fantasy while simultaneously keeping the caller engaged for as long as possible. It's actually harder than you think. Especially of the caller was already half-cocked before he dialed. Half-cocked, get it, t-hee hee hee.

Seriously though, I will say that some of my best callers were the ones that just want to talk. Something about telling a complete stranger everything on your mind without regret. It's like going to confession without saying the ten Hail Mary's after. That and it's not like you can really tell anyone what they said. No one would believe you.

I like talkers, if they don't have some deep dark confession, they tend to actually want to please you. They know you're at work, but they still insist on making you enjoy the moment. I find that a huge turn on. Call me weird but it's the truth. Two of the most sexiest things in the world to me are: men who want your pleasure and men who show affection to babies in public.

DISCLAIMER: I hate kids. I just like watching men being tender. It's sooo, sooo incredibly arousing to see a big strong male being gentle and openly loving to little one....

Back on topic. So the plan is to incorporate some form of income into the equation but not end up sacrificing too much of my time. I give myself 25 hours a week and 25 hours only. I could knock that out in three days. I feel like such a stripper. I'm just doing this to put myself through college.

So the next time your pervy cousin tells you he's met this super hot chick with some exotic name, chances are, he's talking about me.

Trashy Mass-Produced Romance Novels

I've got this thing for trashy mass produced romance novels, I love them. They are like literary junk food for your brain. I should be reading something more along the lines of what I'm supposed to be writing; I prefer this stuff. I find myself leaning towards the fantasy side; where one or both of the characters are not human. There always seems to be some kind of struggle and there is never a happy ending with out some kind of loss. Sounds pretty tragic right? 

What I love about these books is the level of imagination these writers have. Most books I find have just the right amount of smut in them to channel my inner pervert, and a wonderful story filled with unbelievable actions. I may have stated that wrong, I haven't eaten yet. If there was a reality where all the things I read about in these novels were to ever become true; can you imagine what stories you'd tell around the water cooler?

Right now on my Ipod and in my bookshelf are Gini Koch, Tina Folsom, Dana Marie Bell, Dakota Cassidy and Kresley Cole. I used to be and to a degree still am, a fan of Lisa Kleypas, Gaelen Foley, Megan Hart, and Victoria Dahl. But I've graduated into the supernatural. It might be a while before I come back. The constant here is that everyone has or finds love. I guess that is what my quest is for.

In my book, The New God, my main characters face several challenges. One the battle of good and evil (or the truth vs. the lies). Two the seduction of power. The balance of love an d friendship. And obsession. for some reason I like to give myself a huge mountain to climb when ever I get a mind to do something.

The conflict in my story is centered around three people with several supporting characters, that move the story around. One person Celine has magical powers that she hides for fear of being used for the wrong reasons. Malik: a young man in Celine's group that will do anything to be on the receiving end of her love. Ruddick: the team leader Celine's best friend and the man she loves from afar. The creepy part is that they are all aware of each other's struggles and continue on through out the book skirting these problems. I can not wait until I let their obsessions become a hindrance to the jobs they each perform. 

I am just s eager as you to see the level of compromise they create for the others in their team. With my character developments coming along you should see that these three become critical in the other's survival. I can't wait to finish this book.

Kresley Cole and Gini Koch both have new books out. I want them. Thanks to my eminent discharge I will have to wait until I find a place to land until I can order them. I can get them electronically but I want to actually hold the book. I want to feel the paper under my fingers every time I turn the page. I owe these two super awesome writers my respect and a place on my book shelf. With out them I'd never get up the nerve to think I could possibly make my book happen.

Plus they write a great sex scene, who doesn't like a great sex scene?