Instead of writing for the last two days I've been sitting on my couch watching Netflix. Not to worry though because I pulled almost 5000 words out my ass in three hours just now so I'm going to finish on time. Anyway, back to my two days of watching television. I'm surfing through my suggestions which by the way, on Netflix they suck, I start watching romantic comedies. I have no good reason to be watching that drivel but I do. I like to laugh and I like to fake like there's hope. Basically despite my being raised by wolves, surrounded by crazy women, and spending the last few years, sailing a bunch of seas with politically incorrect Sailors (blissfully), I'm still essentially a female with frilly female ideas on what romance should be. Well, actually I buy into what I'm told is the frilly idea of what romance should be.
But that does not stop me from watching some thing just because Doctor Who is in it. So that is why last night I found myself watching of all things, The Decoy Bride, starring David Tennant. This is not the first time I've watching some thing because of a Doctor Who actor had a role in it. Some time at the end of the summer I discovered Party Animals with Matt Smith from 2007. But forget him I'm all about the wibbly wobbly timey wimey right now.
So The Decoy Bride stars that young woman who played that young Scottish maid in Gosford Park and the tenth Doctor Who. It actually turned out to be a fairly decent movie. A lot of funny Scottish people running around with being proudly different from everyone. I have to wonder why the movies do that. It's like they go out of the way to make Scottish people and Welsh all seem really crazy. What ever once you got over the over done silliness of the extra character you managed to get an okay story line and mildly entertaining comedy from it. So yes it fulfilled its requirement for a romantic comedy. But really I was watching it for my favorite Doctor. He's actually not that bad of actor when he's not pointing a sonic screw driver at things. But after two days of watching the idiot box I did finally sit back down at my computer and work on my story. I wish it didn't feel so much like work at first. But once the words finally decided to flow I was fine.
I'm a big fan of the movies. I'm also a fan of common sense. Never the two shall meet. Right? Right.
So when I was watching Big Trouble in Little China again, I realized something. The whole freaking movie could have been avoided by one little thing. Jack never interfering when the Lords of Death grabbed the other chick. It could have ended right there. No cult classics, no Burtonisms like "It's all in the reflexes." Poor Tara would have been taken to the White Tiger instead of Wang's fiance and it just would have been Gracie Law's problem. (Thanks bro. I talked to my brother about that one) Would the world be different if certain movies never happened? Yes without a doubt because movies are conduits for the vivd imagination. You can take one person's vision show it to the world and then have billions of people use that idea a billion different ways. Let's face it, there'd be no Willow without JRR Tolkien . Seeing as how bad that movie was for most of it I'm kind of wishing that wasn't the case. I blame you Tolkien, I blame you... That got me thinking. What other movies could have been avoided with one simple decision? Well I can start with all the movies I own and then I'be be here forever. So I'm going to pick my bed time favorites. The Princess Bride: Now I'm a big fan of this movie. My favorite character is Ingo Montoya played by Mandy Patinkin. Let us not forget that OKCupid scores me as a Wesley on the quiz. That means I know what I'm talking about. Fun fact The Princess Bride is an actual book. Do you think I'm going to read it? Hell yeah I'll read it.
What makes this movie happen is one choice. Wesley leaving the farm. If he never left the farm we'd not have an anniversary edition. You'd never see posters like this: Fetching I know, I kind of want one. Maybe I'll stick with the t-shirt By today's standards Buttercup and Wesley were already living in sin for years. I didn't see anyone else on the farm did you? Had he stayed they would have been common law married and the prince would have chosen some other chick. No Inigo, sad face.
The Labyrinth is not safe from that one silly choice either. No way no day. It's not what you're thinking. It's not Sarah wishing Toby was taken away. You have to think about what got Sarah so pissed in the first place. That stupid teddy bear Lancelot. If the parents weren't so darn lazy they would have bought Toby his own damn teddy bear.
But then David Bowie circa 1980's era, wouldn't fly through my parents bedroom disguised as an owl. That's totally something that needs to happen at least once in everyone's life. Can I hold your crystal ball Jared I'm just saying: My bed time movie moment fave has got to be the parenting fail of the ages. It comes from the Adventures Of Milo and Otis.
Okay granted Milo's mom is a cat and when you have a litter, things can get a little tough. But why would you take your kittens to a river when you know they're all little bad asses? Not only did the little devil fall into the river but she left her other kids on the dock so she could go after monster number one. Them little cuties would have been content wreaking havoc on the farm but NOOOO, she had to take them to a river. Now Milo knows where the river is. Thank goodness she instilled some common sense in Milo. Just kidding, Milo never grew out of his stupid. Thanks to her great teachings poor Otis had to take a year long journey across the country side to go and get him back. I feel sorry for that dog. Goonies would not be Goonies without the prepubescent jokes and one liners that have lasted almost 30 years. I blame Chunk for even thinking about holding something he knew he might drop. I can however say it might as well be Mouth's fault since he's the one that mention the attic in the first place to the rest of the crew. The best line in that whole movie though is totally Mouth's fault (Corey Feldman).
"Si no hace un buen trabajo sera encerrada aqui, con los cucarachas, pero dos semanas, sin agua y sin comida"
That's just wrong on so many levels. He did not have to do that.
How can you love want to watch that movie over and over?
Lucky Number Slevin I could go on for days about because that whole movie is about the consequences of a bunch of people making bad choices. Pebble in the water type thing all the way. I'm going with another epic parenting FAIL for this movie because really Henry's dad, no matter what he says IS a degenerate gambler. Really guy, if he's not even your second favorite uncle, why are you listening to him?
Even if you ignore that fail on Henry's dad you still have a billion other people in there that deverve an award for making that movie happen. Goodcat for example, he could have instead of keeping the little boy he could have just walked way. Like anyone was ever going to call Goodcat on it. Seriously it's Goodcat. The cops damn near pissed themselves when they found out he came back in town.
Another favorite for la la land is Stardust. Who do you think I blame for this movie? Is it Dunstin Thorn? Well yes and no. I blame the guard at the wall. Let me tell you why. He spent more time yelling at Tristan's father then making sure the gap was protected. I guess filing in the gap was not an option?
Dude I would have retired years ago. What 80 year old man is out that late at night? Then look 18 years later he still has that job. If I was his boss I'd have fired him when the baby showed up. Heck if I was the guard at the wall I'd have never taken the baby. That's my ass if I take the baby. But what ever. If the gaurd was on his game we'd have never met Robert DeNiro as the greatest Sky Pirate ever.
I know what you're thinking: No wonder she never sleeps. If she's thinking up this stuff at bed time, it's a wonder she can relax at all.
AH HA there's a method to the madness. If I'm thinking of this, I'm not thinking of anything else. After a while my brain shuts down and I get to sleep. I'm expecting feed back. I've already asked and on Facebook one of my friend's said Batman and Robin, the whole movie.
Maybe he misunderstood the question? No he didn't. I think maybe he means that the movie should have never been made. Seeing as I thought that movie sucked monkey balls I'm kind of inclined to agree.
This week does not bring anything new to the table. I finally managed some how to get the rent paid this month. WOOHOO we're not homeless. As for writing you can just call me looser because I haven't written anything since last week. Things like eating and keeping a roof over my head sort of do that.
Honestly I would have continued to write if I knew there was nothing I could have done. But the was and between the two of us, RFKAO and I managed to do them all.
Work though has been interesting. I was given a client who is supposed to be a submissive. That's cool you body isn't your own, I get it. This ass clown was a disobedient sub. I hate disobedient subs. The little selfish pansies want you to give them 3000 percent while they sit there looking stupid and saying dumb shite like "I don't Know." It's like being back in the service and talking to a junior Sailor. Don't tell me you don't fucking know. Of course you fucking know, your dumb ass is just too ashamed to say it. I hate disobedient subs, just as much as Gorgeous George hates Pikeys.
Gorgeous George: It's a camp site, a pikey campsite... Tommy: Ten points. Gorgeous George: What we doing here? Tommy: We're buying a caravan. Gorgeous George: Off a pack of fuckin' pikeys? What's wrong with you? This will get messy. Tommy: Well not if you're here. Gorgeous George: Oh, you bastard! I fuckin' hate pikeys!
I shouldn't complain right because they are the one coming out of pocket. But I will and I'm not going to waste my time on some caller who doesn't know what they want. I don't care how many times you call back. If you're a bad sub I won't like you. We don't have that kind of relationship, and I will refuse the call. I don't get paid enough to mind read how to punish you. I'm not emotionally involved with your fantasy and personally I really don't care of you even get off. It's a boost for my ego if you do but I still get paid regardless. So no I'm not going to figure out how to punish you for the next call. I just don't care. You as my client can be a good sub or you can find a new master.
I could be considered a cop out, that's fine. I'm not a Dom in real life so asking me to deal with a difficult sub is really beyond my realm. The question is, do I want to invest more time into this JOB (not a career) and not be compensated for it? Heck no.
My other new client whom I can't stand is some crusty old fart who has never been hurt in his entire life. Hence his fetish for wanting to be completely destroyed. I'd be okay with this except he calls off my schedule and can't remember shit. If this guy asks me one more time what my bra size is, is the bra made by Vanity Fair (who the heck wears Vanity Fair?) and what color is my hair one mo'gin...
This jack tard calls more than once a day. He hogs up all my time and frankly I'd rather talk to my other clients. I've built up a good report with them and personally I think it's selfish of this guy to take up so much time when he's not going to remember any of it an hour from now.
I have a routine and these two are screwing it up. I could be writing here, or in one of the books or walking the dog, which thanks to re-re number two I wasn't able to before sunset. Because if these two I really want to find another agency. They aren't worth getting by blood pressure up for and if it weren't for my other customers I really think I would have quit by now.
I do not enjoy arguing with someone about what's the best way to break a jaw. Because in my nerd geek brain using the heel will not break it sufficiently in one blow. What the heel of a stiletto will do, is miss the hinge completely and puncture a blood vessel. No broken jaw, just a bleed out. Best use the platform portion of the ball on the shoe. But NNNOOOOOOO crazy pants insists on the heel. Crazy pants thinks he'll survive. I'm thinking a well aimed shot on either side will break open his mouth using the ball, I'm telling him what will most likely happen, and yet he still insist he's right. Crazy old fart wants me to break out all his teeth and feed him hair dye. What a freaking weirdo, and he has no memory so ten minutes after he asks me how much i weigh he's going to nag me about my bra again or start in with bleach and pyrex measuring glasses for the fifth time.
I feel like this is time wasted, and since I get paid by the minute I know it's costing them a fortune. I don't feel bad for them I feel bad for me. I really could have done something a million times more valuable with my time. Even if I did get paid for it.
I just want to smash my soap box right now.
The Friday Fictioneers Photo Prompt will be up shortly. I have one more short from last week that still needs posting and thanks to the week me and the roomy have been having I haven't done that. Bad Tia, Bad... anyway if you made it to the bottom of this entry then you deserve a hearty handshake, maybe a hug, and definitely a cookie.
Back in the early 90's my family was big into watching TV together. Mom of course picked the show we watched and none of us complained. Mostly because she picked good shows, not because she was the BOSS. It was not a planned "let's make popcorn and snuggle" moment. it was more like Mom would grab the remote, sit in the most comfy seat in the family room and turn on the TV. We'd sort of gravitate there from our own little worlds and sit on the floor or the bed or where ever and end up watching the show with her.
1991 Cast
We held mini-series in super high regard. Anyone remember the original V (I do) Jesus of Nazareth (been there) Thornbirds (done that) there's more but I can't remember. I do remember Dark Shadows.
Over on Google+ someone dated themselves and brought the show back from obscurity. To be fair Tim Burton is making Dark Shadows a movie, due out in May. Dark Shadows: CHANGED. MY. LIFE
Mommy Dearest was so psyched that they made a mini-series off the original show, that she, and I'm totally making this up, got cable to watch it on the then Sci-Fi Channel. Honestly I have no idea why she got cable. But that's not the point. The point is that we'd watch the "new" Dark Shadows every Thursday on one of the big three channels(CBS, ABC, NBC), then come summer time we'd get a stern talking to if we were home and forgot to record the old Dark Shadows, that came on daily at 11am. Darn you Sci-Fi Channel.
1966 Cast
Of course I want to call Mom and tell her the news. I obviously humble about this and demand she thank me in advance for what I'm about to tell her. It goes like this:
"Mom I'm about to make your day. Now say thank you. "(She humors me and thanks me) "Ready to relive your childhood? Hold your breath." "Why?" "Just hold your breath." She doesn't. "They are making Dark Shadows a movie." She gasps. "Oh really?" "Yeah. Really." "But, why?"
I wish I could tell you but who cares.
The New New Dark Shadows
The movie promises to be good. If I ever go out to a movie again, instead of waiting for it to show up on iTunes, I might review it. It has a serious cast. Clearly Tim Burton means business here. Dude, it has Michelle Pfiefer, obviously Johnny Depp and Helena Bonham Carter, also a bunch of other great actors and actresses. I heard on the Dark Shadows fan page that they even managed to get some of the original cast to make appearances in the movie. I kind of can't wait to see this.
Sadly I have to log on to work the phones so I don't have time to link the fan page to this post. I will have to get to that another time and do some editing. But for those people who just have to make a comparison here's Johnny Depp vs. Jonathan Frid, who makes a better Barnabus Collins???
It occurred to me that I should start a second blog totally devoted to my exploits as a phone sex operator. Well I could do that, but how many times am I going to write about poo? Personally I hate poo, and I'm really not for spending more time writing something that's not going to make me famous. Though admitting that I'm a "sex worker" might just be the ticket to fame, it's not something I want to be known for. It's not like I'm going to have the Tyler Perry Blessing or anything.
What is the Tyler Perry Blessing? Well let me first tell you in my opinion who Tyler Perry is. Tyler Perry is a large black man whom using his last dollar, made millions exploiting the black community. Go ahead and say "Don't Hate." I'm hating, and I have a good reason. Since WE (like the Royal WE) have supported this man for the last 15 years lets examine how he made his moneys. Then we can judge whether or not I need to do the same.
He invented Madea, Yay! Nothing like an 8 foot tall behemoth threatening violence at the drop of a pin and misquoting the Bible, to uplift a community. Now that's a Hollywood Win! I'm just saying, the guy dressed in drag and commercialized every stereotype and social dysfunction associated with being Black in America. Then the big tall bastard hand fed it back to us in stage form. People just as poor as he was, spent their hard earned money watching this garbage until someone had to take notice. That dear friends is the Tyler Perry Blessing.
Before anyone brings out the pitchforks and starts chopping wood for the pyre, lets get a few things straight. I have taken the time to watch five of his movies and one of his plays. I even own one of them. Let me list them so you can for yourselves (if you're a fan) decide if I'm making any sense. I Can Do Bad By Myself I own this one, The Family That Prays, Madea's Family Reunion, Why Did I Get Married 1 and 2, and Madea's Happy Family (that was the play).
Let us examine the formula: each movie deals with some form of deception and selfishness. Each movie has some random person in it that is the quintessential bad person, not a villain, though some could make that leap, but these are "family movies." Most moves and plays, someone either dies, or breaks out in some seriously moving song. And my personal favorite part of every movie he makes is that "Luke I AM Your Father" moment. (when something known isn't exactly the truth or the whole truth) Such a gasps My Word moment, can't have a Tyler Perry hit with out one.
This was not my intention to rant about Tyler Perry when I wok up at 3:15 Am to write. Not my intention at all. I really wanted to talk about something else.
C'mon people there are not two kinds of Black People in this country. I'm not a Church going fool, nor am I a gun toting drug dealer. I refused to be represented as one. Good on Tyler Perry for finding a formula that works. He is shining examples of what Black People can achieve. From this amateur writer's vantage point I can tell you that rising to that level would be freaking lovely. From another view point I think Mr. Perry can do something else now. He got his Blessing, he's never going to have to starve again. I say put away the drag suit and chop shop Bible. The royal WE will still be behind you Mr. Perry, you can stop now.
