Wednesday, August 8, 2012

Seven Movies and the decisions that made them happen.

I'm a big fan of the movies. I'm also a fan of common sense. Never the two shall meet. Right? Right.

So when I was watching Big Trouble in Little China again, I realized something. The whole freaking movie could have been avoided by one little thing.  Jack never interfering when the Lords of Death grabbed the other chick. It could have ended right there. No cult classics, no Burtonisms like "It's all in the reflexes." 

Poor Tara would have been taken to the White Tiger instead of Wang's fiance and it just would have been Gracie Law's problem. (Thanks bro. I talked to my brother about that one)

Would the world be different if certain movies never happened? Yes without a doubt because movies are conduits for the vivd imagination. You can take one person's vision show it to the world and then have billions of people use that idea a billion different ways. Let's face it, there'd be no Willow without JRR Tolkien . Seeing as how bad that movie was for most of it I'm kind of wishing that wasn't the case. I blame you Tolkien, I blame you...

That got me thinking. What other movies could have been avoided with one simple decision? Well I can start with all the movies I own and then I'be be here forever. So I'm going to pick my bed time favorites.

The Princess Bride: Now I'm a big fan of this movie. My favorite character is Ingo Montoya played by Mandy Patinkin. Let us not forget that OKCupid scores me as a Wesley on the quiz. That means I know what I'm talking about. Fun fact The Princess Bride is an actual book. Do you think I'm going to read it? Hell yeah I'll read it. 

What makes this movie happen is one choice. Wesley leaving the farm. If he never left the farm we'd not have an anniversary edition. You'd never see posters like this:

Fetching I know, I kind of want one. Maybe I'll stick with the t-shirt

By today's standards Buttercup and Wesley were already living in sin for years. I didn't see anyone else on the farm did you? Had he stayed they would have been common law married and the prince would have chosen some other chick. No Inigo, sad face.

The Labyrinth is not safe from that one silly choice either. No way no day. 

It's not what you're thinking. It's not Sarah wishing Toby was taken away. You have to think about what got Sarah so pissed in the first place. That stupid teddy bear Lancelot. If the parents weren't so darn lazy they would have bought Toby his own damn teddy bear. 

But then David Bowie circa 1980's era, wouldn't fly through my parents bedroom disguised as an owl. That's totally something that needs to happen at least once in everyone's life. Can I hold your crystal ball Jared I'm just saying:

My bed time movie moment fave has got to be the parenting fail of the ages. It comes from the Adventures Of Milo and Otis.

Okay granted Milo's mom is a cat and when you have a litter, things can get a little tough. But why would you take your kittens to a river when you know they're all little bad asses? Not only did the little devil fall into the river but she left her other kids on the dock so she could go after monster number one.

Them little cuties would have been content wreaking havoc on the farm but NOOOO, she had to take them to a river. Now Milo knows where the river is. Thank goodness she instilled some common sense in Milo.

Just kidding, Milo never grew out of his stupid. Thanks to her great teachings poor Otis had to take a year long journey across the country side to go and get him back. I feel sorry for that dog. 

Goonies would not be Goonies without the prepubescent jokes and one liners that have lasted almost 30 years. I blame Chunk for even thinking about holding something he knew he might drop. I can however say it might as well be Mouth's fault since he's the one that mention the attic in the first place to the rest of the crew. 

The best line in that whole movie though is totally Mouth's fault (Corey Feldman). 

"Si no hace un buen trabajo sera encerrada aqui, con los cucarachas, pero dos semanas, sin agua y sin comida"
That's just wrong on so many levels. He did not have to do that.
How can you love want to watch that movie over and over?

Lucky Number Slevin I could go on for days about because that whole movie is about the consequences of a bunch of people making bad choices. Pebble in the water type thing all the way. I'm going with another epic parenting FAIL for this movie because really Henry's dad, no matter what he says IS a degenerate gambler. Really guy, if he's not even your second favorite uncle, why are you listening to him?

Even if you ignore that fail on Henry's dad you still have a billion other people in there that deverve an award for making that movie happen. Goodcat for example, he could have instead of keeping the little boy he could have just walked way. Like anyone was ever going to call Goodcat on it. Seriously it's Goodcat. The cops damn near pissed themselves when they found out he came back in town.

Another favorite for la la land is Stardust. Who do you think I blame for this movie? Is it Dunstin Thorn? Well yes and no. I blame the guard at the wall. Let me tell you why. He spent more time yelling at Tristan's father then making sure the gap was protected. I guess filing in the gap was not an option?

Dude I would have retired years ago. What 80 year old man is out that late at night? Then look 18 years later he still has that job. If I was his boss I'd have fired him when the baby showed up. Heck if I was the guard at the wall I'd have never taken the baby. That's my ass if I take the baby. But what ever. If the gaurd was on his game we'd have never met Robert DeNiro as the greatest Sky Pirate ever.

I know what you're thinking: No wonder she never sleeps. If she's thinking up this stuff at bed time, it's a wonder she can relax at all.

AH HA there's a method to the madness. If I'm thinking of this, I'm not thinking of anything else. After a while my brain shuts down and I get to sleep.  I'm expecting feed back. I've already asked and on Facebook one of my friend's said Batman and Robin, the whole movie. 

Maybe he misunderstood the question? No he didn't. I think maybe he means that the movie should have never been made. Seeing as I thought that movie sucked monkey balls I'm kind of inclined to agree. 

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