Monday, August 20, 2012

Niggling Self Doubt: When AA is your little voice

I was at Karaoke last night and I was drinking. Now me being the person I am, completely denies I have a problem with alcohol. And normally I don't feel any guilt. I go out once a week and I drink which isn't really a bad thing no matter how you look at it.

What bother's me about last night is that when the bar ran out of what I normally drink (Cider) I went for something I never drink (Tequila Sunrise). I drank two. Ask me if I felt it this morning. The answer is not really. 

What made me choose that drink? I hate tequila. Why did I drink two? Is it because I feel safe at karaoke surrounded by good friends? Is it because I was upset? I know how fast that shite works on me and yet I bull dozed my way through the china shop anyway. I didn't think.

Now me being technically a rehab failure already I have to wonder one if I ever had a problem with alcohol or am I starting to have a problem right now? Do I need to go back to AA over my choice of poison? I don't know. The shrink who helped me through my mental melt down last year suggested rehab because of the amount of intensive therapy it would offer. He said I could get better there and learn some thing about myself. It worked. Probably a little too well. By the time I left I couldn't even pass through the cold remedy isle when I got sick. All the time wondering if I ever had a moment in my life when I NEEDED booze to get through my day. Seriously no, never had that moment in my life.

Somewhere in the AA Big Book there is a part where they talk about telling someone everything they need to know and then leaving them to decide for themselves. That is the worst. It's like teaching someone how to use a gun and then telling them only in an dire emergencies can you fire this weapon. How dire does the emergency have to be?

I woke up this morning with a little cotton mouth and a tingly jaw. I didn't fall on anything so it must be residual booze still in my system. I'm not suffering, no pressing need to praise the porcelain deity in my bathroom or any unexplainable stickiness in my undies. I'm pretty good actually, miraculously good.

Knowing that Karaoke night is my one night out each week did I switch to tequila because I wanted that good buzz, or was that really the first thing on my mind? I could have choose something else. Normally I do. Now that I think about it, last week I had two shots of whiskey. I hate whiskey too.

I just have that niggling feeling of self-doubt. 

Do I have a problem? 

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