This week I couldn't resist. I'd spent several days developing this short and sadly it's not 100 words. Anyway enjoy. Check back in for yesterday's bean counter. I know I"m all off my schedule.
CLEARING THE WIRE
Grand Pa unraveled the barbed wire slowly, he planned to add another wire for training.
"You're going to vault this fence boy if it's the last thing I do," he paused in laying the wire on the ground. "No cub of mine is gonna grow up and not be able to run."
After my parents died at the hands of hunters, Grand Pa, wanted to make sure I could run. His kind of running was different from what you'd think. He was teaching me to evade, hide, use my surroundings, and kill if I have to.
"Grandpa I'm only 10, and I'm a girl."
"Shut up BOY, you're the last of my blood line. You're going to learn how to take care of yourself."
Later
My muscles in my hind legs were beginning to burn. Grand Pa's cougar was always fast. Today he had the devil behind him. Of course he's behind me.
The fence was nearing. I'd tried to lead him away from it, but this was his land and he knew how to guide me back. I remembered how it looked when he was done adding the new wire. The barbs looked sharp and scary. I'd have to add more speed to clear it.
Grandpa roared from somewhere to my left. I ran up the hill frantically hoping he didn't catch me. I could smell the metal from here. I'm slowing, I need more speed.
At the crest of the hill I could hear him pounding behind me. I headed for the fence, I needed to jump soon and the time was coming. Grandpa nipped my tail and I kicked up speed from somewhere. I leaped.
I wasn't going to make it. I choose quickly what I was going to sacrifice to make this jump quickly. My paws exploded in sharp spiky fires of pain. I jumped again and landed clumsy. My concentration was off and I morphed back to my human girl form as Grand Pa sailed over the barbed wire.
"Nice try boy," he said as he changed. "lets go clean you up."
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A nice, unexpected twist. Good job.
ReplyDeleteWell Grand Pa isn't a complete Psycho, he needs her to survive, so killer her off during training is not really a good thing. Thanks for reading. I commented on yours I really liked it.
DeleteSounds like she has to work extra hard not only to jump but to be good enough as a girl called "boy". Interesting shapeshifter tale. :)
ReplyDeleteThanks for commenting on mine, Atiya.
She has to work hard because like Grad Pa said, she was the last of the bloodline. He want's her to live. Why he calls her boy all the time might be something I'd have to explore later.
DeleteI always enjoy your stories Siobhan, it was a great share.
I've read a few based on today's prompt and I haven't seen a lot with this kind of supernatural twist -- very nicely done!
ReplyDeleteMine's not so original, but it is my first time after all haha: http://pinionpost.com/2012/04/27/the-letter/
Oh but yours was very original and I liked it. So much anger in your character. Thank you for leaving your link, and thank you for commenting on my story. I hope you enjoy this exercise. You meet great writers every week.
DeleteDear Atiya,
ReplyDeleteThat story had me going. My mind never runs to shape shifters and I was having a hard time following the story until the reveal. Well done.
Aloha,
Doug
http://ironwoodwind.wordpress.com/2012/04/27/ask-anyway/
Mahalo, Thanks for reading. You should have seen the first draft. It was my usual creepy story line with a lot of terrible stuff. You can think my room mate for encouraging me to explore the whole spectrum of my imagination. I can see where at least twice, one could be confuse. I hope that the reveal cleared everything up though.
DeleteI admit I was not expecting shapeshifters but I like where you went with it. Like pinionpost I was not expecting too many supernatural ones. Well done!
ReplyDeleteHere's mine:
http://glossarch.wordpress.com/2012/04/28/intelligent-design-friday-fictioneers/
When I get points for originality I just eat it right up. Thank you so much reading and enjoying my story. I am sorry I broke the rules for it though. Hopefully next week we get a photo prompt that I can do with less. Thanks for coming through and leaving your link. I liked yours as well.
DeleteI think this is probably the best I've read from you. Well written, a good twist in the tale and engaging too. Very well done, one of my favourites from this week.
ReplyDeletehttp://castelsarrasin.wordpress.com/2012/04/27/trespass/
After reading your story I am really gassed up that you said that, thank you. I loved your story by the way, I had a million questions after reading it. Thank you.
ReplyDeleteThis is a very clever story - and well told, but I know you could make it 100 words if you really tried. Why don't you try it on for size. YOu can always expand it later for your novel - but this is an exercise in editing and honing our writing craft so that we can be near perfect in only 100 words.
ReplyDeleteYou do have an error you need to correct in this sentence: "You're going to vault this fence boy if it's the last thing I do,"
Should be, "I'm gonna make you vault this fence, boy, if its the last thing I do" or whatever...
I like that he keeps calling her a boy, though - and i like that they are shape shifters...
It is no shame to go back and edit even after you post your story. Sometimes I go back weeks later and edit mine!
your friend,
Linda Laura
You're absolutely right about that error in Grand Pa's statement. It should be fixed. Thank you for catching that and thank you for commenting. What this week's prompt for me was, an exercise in control and for this story I cold not resist. I think as a small project this week, I'll try to wittle it down and see what happens.
DeleteYou've written a really engaging story here, one that left me wanting to know more. I enjoyed and admired the pacing, the rhythm of your language emphasising the adrenaline pulse of the chase and leading up to the revert/reveal at the end. Very clever writing.
ReplyDeleteI wonder: is Grand Pa's insistence on calling her boy a defense against something? Would she be in even more danger were the world at large to realise her gender? Intriguing stuff and something I hope you write more of, if you would have fun doing so. :-)
Thanks for your lovely comment on mine over at:
http://andyfloodwritersblog.wordpress.com/2012/04/27/reversal/
Your reply screams project, in big flashing neon lights. Thank you for the comment. I do hope that you do remember to tug my e-sleeve when you finish yours. Your female seems like so much of a bad ass. I can't wait to see how you further develop these two into enemies.
DeleteAs for my "Boy" I think it's just a thing her Grand Pa just does. It would be a much deeper and definitely richer story if she were such a threat. In my world I think he just wants her to be able to take on all challenges with more than just confidence under her belt. Now if the Boy were to grow up in a place where her gender is a weapon, that would be cool. These things write themselves I fear so I have no idea what's going to happen to her. Thank you for reading.
When I did book talks for Scholastic, I read many of the "Animorphs" series. Your post reminded me of them. Nicely done--I enjoy shape-shifter stories.
ReplyDeleteMine: http://www.vlgregory-circa1800.vpweb.com/blog.html
Thank you, I have a shifter story currently collecting dust on a hard drive some where. I've gotten such positive feedback that I'm thinking I might attack that story from another angle. I checked out your story and I was reminded of a bunch of movies I watched in my past. Great share, and thank you for dropping by.
DeleteThis was an interesting twist on the story and I enjoyed it. I'm glad it was a little bit longer because you had me hooked! Thank you for sharing!
ReplyDelete~Susan
Thank you so much Susan. I'm glad you liked it.
DeleteNice story. I did enjoy the unexpected twist into a shifter tale. Well done.
ReplyDeleteMine's here http://tollykitsjourney.wordpress.com/2012/04/27/flash-fiction-story-3-for-fridayfictioneers-flashfiction/
Thank you. Thank you very much. I enjoyed your story about the little baby goat. I appreciate that you came around to read mine.
DeleteWhoa! This is awesome!
ReplyDeleteGreat fantasy novel in the making?
Let me know when it's out, I'd want a copy!!
Loved it!!
Parul
http://faitaccompli.wordpress.com/2012/04/27/building-boundaries/
Thank you I'll make sure that I make this a big project. I kind of like the idea of this one being expanded.
DeleteLike Doug, I didn't catch on to the shape shifter until near the end. Your graphic description of the muscle burn and pain was very good. One suggestion--you have "quickly" twice in the same sentence, and I think you meant to say say chose instead of choose. Thanks for visiting mine.
ReplyDeleteI was tempted to correct the two quickly's, but for I left the second one because I wanted to show "Boy" a little frazzled. I guess it didn't come off that way. Ah well win some, and other times you drop the ball. Thank you for visiting.
DeleteWell... that was something. I found my self reading faster and faster as she was running. That does not happen too often. Nice work... I really liked the line... 'smelled the metal'... that really added to the animal sense... loved the ending.
ReplyDelete