Monday, December 19, 2011

Remaking Me: can I change?

Went to AA today. Read the account of Bill W. the man who wrote the twelve steps. He's got an interesting story. He says in the last few paragraphs of his story that "An alcoholic in his cups is and unlovely creature." Being the wonderful person I am, and an alcoholic I think that of course can't be me. I'm all types of awesome, there's nothing unlovely about me. When really that's not true.

What makes me pause is that he's willing for the benefit of suffering alcoholics every where, to examine how he thought of himself. At first before he thought he had a problem he could have conquered the world. Then when he hit his bottom he wallowed in self pity. Truthfully I have spent hours, if not days, going over my faults and found myself lacking. To everyone else though I tried to have the appearance of a person with some level of control over myself. I do this so I can say that I am all types of awesome. My struggle with being an alcoholic is all about finding the balance between saying I'm all types of awesome and believing, then proving that I am.

How does one make awesome happen? Well with work, lots of it, and not just a marketing strategy. I have to work at several things: letting go my anger, being humble, being of service with out expecting gratitude and allowing myself to be vulnerable.  Things that in my opinion are just not part of my "plan".  In particular being vulnerable, I've got a wall so high and so thick that it might take years before I allow that to happen. Years.

I'm not going to go into detail about how I got to this point. Seriously, that's like, asking for someone to make a joke in poor taste. The point is I have reached a level in my life where things need to change. With four months sober things are actually changing! Surprise!!!! Hopefully they keep on changing. As I work through the 12 Steps with lots of help from within and outside of AA, I will be the person I say I am. As if all this awesome could get better (oh course it can).

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