Sunday, March 11, 2012

Adventures in Doggy Poop

One of my friends from back in the day when drinking was cool (it still is just not for me) posted on Facebook this seriously funny article about baby poop. The author a new mom herself waxed eloquent about her fascination with her little girls back door emissions.

That led me to thinking about my Chewy. He is a very special boy. In dog years, he's older than me, but he's still a six year old dog. First about how it took him four days to go number two when he first came home. Read that here in a previous post. Then I thought about how he goes about "going" now. It  is a vey involved process, serious business, for him anyway.

But back to the topic at hand. I've on at least three occasions asked Occupy to take Chewy on a walk, sending them off with very specific instructions to bag the poop. Occupy refuses to bag the poop. Says something about the smell. He should have been here when Chewy had worms.

Thanks to the recommendation of the Vet, the Groomer, the SD Humane Society, the Natural Foods Pet Store Owner, and dog lovers I meet on our walks, Chewy eats better than I do. Sadly it comes out pretty odious, and he's gassy.  You'd think that if I give him better food that it'd smell better. It doesn't, so picking it up while it's still warm is no treat.

Last night, we, as a very dysfunctional family unit, took Chewy out for his bed time walk. The special little man that he is stopped at every pole, bush, tree, and trash can on the route. Every time he looks at me as if for permission to drop a deuce. In unison me and Occupy say over and over "go ahead Chewy" "Its okay, you can do it," and really it is because I'll be right there to pick it up.  I can honestly  I've spent a great deal of time staring at his ass just to see if was actually going to go. I can tell you that it's not something I wake up looking forward to.

I do have to say though that the process is hilarious to see. Watching the little guy figure out that he's going to go is awesome. I swear he's looking for a patch of super soft grass or something. It's not like he's going to lay in afterwards so why does this matter? Last night while me and Occupy were discussing the merits of Tea Cup dogs, Chewy circled the same tree five times. I smoked an entire Camel Wide waiting for him to get it together. After all that posing, pausing and repositioning, his butt finally took charge. I know because I saw it leaking butt juice. I am fascinated by this butt juice. I'm told the butt juice is produced by two glands located right near his butt hole (I am truly getting a kick out of this. Toilet humor moves me), and their sole purpose is to lube the poo as it comes out. It's like a visual cue for me.  Poor guy ended up going at the edge of the sidewalk while cars on the main road passed by. The little brain fart had the audacity to make eye contact while he did it too.

I'm too sexy for this Blog
There are something I really don't want to experience, one of them is eye contact while defecating. Yet my dog seems more than comfortable eye fucking me while he's doing his do. Eghads he's a weird creature!

Now here is where me and Occupy differ. Not only do I, like a good doggie momma pick up his poo with my special doggie poo bag, I'm going to inspect it too! I have to, I don't want to, but I'm really not excited to treat another worms infestation. That is just not something I wan to see.

Occupy is practically gagging while I inspect the poop. Something like "I can't do that. Oh man the smell" and I'm sure a few more things. Personally I'm with him on this, but it's a law, and I like to psyche myself out by believing that crap I read on Petside. Yeah yeah you CAN tell a lot about an animal by their poop. All kinds of interesting facts. I believe that, I was at some point going to school to be a vet, so this is actually true. Doesn't mean I like it. It smells like shite, it is shite, so why would I like this?

And to add the insult of a steaming bag of shite, the better, faster, and lighter Chewy, decided to start high tailing it home. What was at first a nice evening amble is now a power walk with Chewy in the lead. He's surprisingly strong, and when I'm in the mood to humor him I let him walk me.

And why not? I got the poop.


  1. This butt juice comes from "anal glands." One of the things dog groomers do is "pop" the anal glands because they get clogged with butt juice. Just another nuance to the whole poop thing. Someone else told me this. I don't have a dog.

    1. Awesome. Hey how are you doing by the way. I am glad you stopped by. I couldn't think of the right name for them when I wrote out this blog, but it worked right????


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